Real History, Chipmunk Style

The way history really happened.

 

 

by Daniel V. Boudillion

 

 

 

I am a misunderstood artist.  That is, I think I'm an artist, and many people are under the misunderstanding that I'm not.  At all.  Well, that steams my beans.  Here at last is proof of my artistic genius - chipmunk history!  Nothing says "artist" like chipmunks, nothing says "genius" like history - so be prepared for total awesomeness!  If you don't like my art you are totally lame and my army of ninja's will hit you with their paws of fury. 

 

   The True Story of Thanksgiving!

Many years ago there were some really relaxed chipmunks that lived in England.  They wore their hair in mullets and read comic books.  The King of England couldnít stand how relaxed they were and was always yelling at them about their hair, which was harsh.  He was always flipping out about the comic books they drew in which he looked silly. 

 

So they got in a speedboat and zoomed west and founded Plymouth Colony in Massachusetts where they could wear their mullets in peace.  They met a bunch of Indians who were totally cool.  The Indians showed the chipmunks how to play hockey, and the chipmunks showed the Indians how to wear their hair in a mullet, so things couldnít have been more perfect. 

 

Everything was fine until winter came.  It was totally harsh, and no one relaxed.  Some of the chipmunks caught really bad head-colds and were sneezing all the time which kept the Indians awake at night.  Also, most of the chipmunks were town chipmunks that had been in the comic book business and didnít know how to raise crops.  Their food ran so low that they had to give up lunch and only eat breakfast and supper.  No one was allowed to snack. 

 

That spring when everyone felt better the Indians showed the chipmunks how to plant corn, beans, and pumpkins, which was what people did back then before convenience stores.  Their mullets grew long and luxuriant in the back.

 

Come autumn the chipmunks had plenty of food stored up and invited the Indians over for a big party.  Before they ate the chipmunks said a few word of thanks to their Indian friends for helping them grow crops, and the Indians thanked the chipmunks for showing them how to wear their hair in a proper mullet.  After they ate everybody played hockey, and then drew funny pictures of the King of England in his silly wig!

 

And thatís the true story of Thanksgiving!

 

   Chipmunks in the American Revolution!

Back in the day there was a King called George, and he was really annoying.

 

He couldn't stand how cool and relaxed the chipmunks were in New England with their deep dish pizza and cool video games.  So he came over and started taxing stuff like Mexican Wrestling, which was a totally un-cool thing to do.

 

One day he saw a chipmunk taking a coffee break from his computer job, and said "I'm taxing your tea," and the chipmunk was like "this is coffee, dude," and King George was like "whoa." 

 

But when King George got back to his hotel that night he taxed the coffee anyway.  This harshed everybody's buzz and was tough on chipmunks with computer jobs.

 

So 14 chipmunks IM'ed each other and met at the tree fort over at their Uncles' house and had Dunkin' Donuts coffee, and agreed that King George was totally lame.

 

But King George was hiding in a bush and heard them, and called over a bunch of Hessian soldiers to kick everybody's butt.  And the soldiers were like, "New England is so cool - maybe we can live here after the butt-kicking."

 

The chipmunks put on their butt-kicking boots, got on their cell phones and marched out to meet the Hessians.  And everyone was listening to cool iPod music and had a Dunkin' Donuts large-regular coffee in one hand, and a ninja sword in the other.

 

And the Hessians were like "Whoa."

 

And King George snuck up on the smallest chipmunk, who happened to be on the phone with his mother, and kicked him in the butt!  And the chipmunk was like "dude," and King George was like "whoa."

 

And when the Hessians saw all the cool iPod music, they were like "we are so lame," and they looked really sad.  So the chipmunks were like "dudes..." and stopped kicking their butts, and everybody partied!

 

And they bought King George a plane ticket and sent him home and he was like "I am so totally lame."

 

And then the chipmunks elected a Chief Chipmunk, who was really smart, and he made Mexican Wrestling the national sport, and declared pizza a breakfast food.

 

And thatís the true story of the American Revolution!

 


 

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Copyright © 2009 by Daniel V. Boudillion

 

 

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