Agent For H.A.R.M. – 00½
fights crime in pastel yellow sweater with squirt-gun - Prince gets Funkadellic
for the opposition - talk substitutes for action, saves producer money
- girl uses miniature radio the size of a radio - 00½
tries to,
but never scores; philosophizes afterwards: "A beautiful creature, but
utterly, utterly evil".
A Day
At The Fair – SHORT
Atomic
Brain – B&W - actors go up and down stairs in search
of plot, better script - blond can’t decide: British, Boston, or Southern
accent? - loaded old prune wants prune brain in new body - ends up in cat
instead, insulting cat - cat uses science to fry brain-switching scientist,
wins Oscar, founds method-acting school - stairs launch successful line
of video workout tapes.
Attack
Of The Eye (Eye) Creatures
– top 10
fave - boy meets girl, runs over creature from space - nighttime scenes
shot in obvious
daylight - zippers show on creature suits - Air Force losers use machine
to peep at kids making-out in parked cars - man wears mind boggling night-dress.
Joel & the ‘bots: "They just didn't care!"
Alien
From L.A. – sooooo, Kathy Ireland without airbrushing is
kinda, well, plain
- and
irritating - and
squeaky-voiced ….and (I quote): "oh, like, there’s these Australian accented
Atlanteans, and everything, and like my dad is the bestest dad ever, and
like pleeease help me, and like I’m from LA, ok, and this hunky guy, and
oh, like bitchin
punch!, and like I just wanna find my daaaaad, and like pleeease, and like,
and like…." Ayiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!
Repeat: Ayiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!
Amazing
Colossal Man – B&W - dumb guy grows bigger, not
brighter - roams mini Las Vegas in diaper, laughs ironically in tent, eats
turkeys whole - fiancée has BIG worries
about wedding night - doctor describes heart to her as "single celled",
kills dumb guy with Keith Richard-sized syringe. Crow: "No man is
a forty foot island!" Free nuclear footage.
Amazing
Transparent Man – B&W - Mr. Roger's evil effeminate twin
gets nuclear, prissy-fit-slaps girlfriend. (Mike: "and she stays
with him because…?") Pet German scientist gets twiddly with knobs, guinea
pigs disappear, men too - the usual "invisible army" routine - banks are
robbed, dialog attempted - a glass
is rubbed on the wall - everybody
explodes! Cops: "they tampered in Gods domain" - Mike (Wisconsin
accent): "Ooo, you're gonna see some of that!" On the SOL, Mikey
"touches the llama" (!)
Angels
Revenge – vigilante girls fight drugs with violence - extreme-cleavage
jumpsuits and bikini romps spell R-E-S-P-E-C-T
- van has big bazookas too - there’s a pusher called "Styx", a drug-guy
who makes love to beach ball (really), and guest stars: the Skipper and
(!) the Millionaire. Mike and the ‘bots crank up the "Shame-O-Meter":
the Millionaire wins!
Appreciating
Our Parents – B&W, SHORT
- clears any confusion tiny 1950's
era tykes might have between parents and VENGEFUL
THUNDERING JEHOVAH'S - teaches placating random (but
smugly righteous) acts of parental
wrath through groveling, neat-freaking, crushing ones own
spirit. As always, generous portions of guilt and shame work their
old magic. Shown in school to
kids!!!
Aquatic Wizards – SHORT
-
Beatniks
– B&W - rat-boy whacks that fat barkeep, shrilly,
for fame, glory - rat-friend croons way into recording contract, pretty
girl - rat-boy rat-fights rat-friend for ultimate rat-glory, fall on their
rat-asses - movie tries for hip, lands on it's rats-ass too.
Being
From Another Planet –
Beginning
Of The End –
Bloodlust
– B&W - Brady dad fights for life on death island - is questioned on
his fighting prowess - Servo (huffily): "Well, I did bitch-slap Ann B.
Davis once!" OK, so "scary" stuff happens: acid baths, leach
pits, the Tree of Death, hall of horrors, impalings, crossbows, dramatic
monologues - but you know, I just wasn't worried. I mean, would you
seriously fear for, say, Barney, if he starred in Terminator
III?
Blood
Waters Of Dr. Z – shuffley dweeb scientist becomes shuffley
dweeb fish-monster - dreams world conquest, drags off bikini-women instead,
…just like he learned in
"So, You’ve Just Become A Monster" school
- junior Mod Squaders don jumpsuits, fight fish guy. Why
you will feel pain: Pete’s bell-bottoms
and on-the-go-lifestyle hair, white Sheriff calling Link "boy", Julie becoming
Mrs.
Fish Dweeb. "Z" for Zapruda
quality.
Body
Care And Grooming (they're Cops!) – B&W,
SHORT
- Aryan youths learn to scrub the monkey (and monkette!) - girl should
dress better so boy "will feel more human" - Crow: "Yeah, so he'll grope
you!" - Swedish girl showers enthusiastically - Joel: "Me so naughty!"
- everyone sleeps exhausted after "a hard day grooming". Whew!
Brain
That Wouldn’t Die – B&W - Doctor Science has fiancé
Jan’s head in a pan - checks out hot babes (for her new body) with hands-on
enthusiasm - Jan In The Pan talks to Lump In The Closet, but is it love?
- wants to know "whose more hideous?" Servo: "The movie is, the
movie is!" Same script as Unearthly
and Atomic Brain
- no Stairs or Tor Johnson to save this one though. Mike's first
experiment, and I don’t think it went
well.
Bride
Of The Monster – B&W - Ed Wood directs,
stars as the "bride" - Bela Logosi "whips" up a race of supermen to "rule
the world!" - menaces locals with stock footage, cheap film effects - Teens
From Space dad is happy-pill police
chief: talks to birds,
smiles at crime J
- Tor fondles girl’s furry hat, hides it in his pants
L
- Mike: "Awww." Bela gets high on science, grows tall in Super Freak’s
platform shoes - Crow: "Now, with the strength of 100 heroin addicts!"
Bela, foreshadowing real life, dies in a puddle "fighting" rubber octopus
prop.
Brute
Man – B&W - slow talkin' slow walkin' Brute-dude strangles
sanctimonious socialite pricks that disfigured him - blind girl befriends
dude, offers kindness, piano lessons
- socialites bust girl, use her to trap dude - dude dies believing she's
betrayed him. Jeez.
Case
Of Spring Fever – B&W, SHORT
- "Coily" (nyuck!, nyuck!) gets on your nerves fast - makes all the springs
disappear: "noooo springs!" - frightens bald man into his religion, launches
spring-fact Jihad against fitter, full-haired friends - bald
man gets on your nerves fast.
Castle
Of Fu Manchu – inscrutable:
is it a movie or a Rorschach test? … or
something far more British and evil …
china guy makes opium-ice, rules minds, world - director
tries same trick on you with random meaningless images
- flabby Brit whacks Ninjas dead - (Mike: "It's easy - like swatting mosquitoes!")
- boredom-wielding Brit director whacks
dead your Ninja-soul too.
SOL: the Mads try riff's: "Here comes an old car!" … "she's walking, we
could say something funny about that!"
… "look, they're doing things,
ha! ha!" Worse than Mighty Jack.
Catalina
Caper – we-so-totally-white kids go romper-boo on beach,
keep to the shallows: girls, parties,
volleyball… righteous-ass son foils
Criminal Dad - aren’t grown-ups dumb! - 20 white girls group-slap 20 white
boys - movie group-slaps audience's
intelligence - Jim Beys still got
his Village of the Giants
hat, agéd Tommy Kirks still
in short-shorts - Little Richard does
his Eddie Murphy impression, kicks serious
white butt for 5 glorious MUST SEE minutes. SOL: Servo's in love
with "Creepy Girl", a most unusual
young lady.
Catching
Trouble – SHORT
-
Cave
Dwellers – Italian
- Crow: "So, how much
O’Keefe is there
in this movie?" Mike: "Um, Miles?" Very
few cave dwellers, but lots
o’ this Colossus/Hercules/Fabio
fella in a bikini
and moon-boots: he romps and stomps accordingly, but
without emotion - he-so-manly, his
hair’s perfect - villain makes do with just a temper and a Cher
wig (which explains the temper) -
Swords n’ sorcery combine with Gilligan’s Island style hang-gliders and
hand grenades. Just what is
it with these Italians, anyway???
Century
21 Calling – SHORT
- Aryan youth duo recon the Worlds Fair "for the Fatherland" - grabby
"oh wow!" girl and gay-bah blond boy learn all about the telephone, have
telephone races! - the perma-smile lady explains everything, even "watering
the lawn with your own phone" - Mike: "The Führer will be pleased
with this!"
Cheating
– B&W, SHORT
- Dark Boy lives in a parentless world of eternal night, grandfather clocks,
and … cheating - is eventually caught in his own dark web, bringing shame
on his one sweet angel of light, Mary - shunned, tormented, and vulnerable,
his enemies vote him off the student
council - ends with a question mark.
The
way things were before Reagan made greed and cheating respectable.
Chicken
Of Tomorrow – SHORT
- in quest of the New Chicken, the Über-Chicken, the
one Hitler feared - a stunning glimpse
of the FUTURE of CHICKENS: bold & noble, muscled and proud, these über-chickens
are … just as stinky, scratchy, stupid as the old ones. In
full color for every disgusting detail.
Code
Name: Diamond Head –
Colossus
And The Head Hunters – more like "Mr. Does-Nothing And The
Plot
Hunters" - (FYI: they never find one) - ‘50’s Italian style buff-boy poses,
prances, pants, pumps, primps, pouts, and, (per Mike) "parts ferns with
his bare hands!" Did I mention he’s in a mini-skirt? Did I
mention his names "Mecheesecake"? Oy!
A stinger in every shot! (liturgical dance alert!)
Commando
Cody I – B&W, SHORT
- Mexican-wrestler-dressed US Agent Cody's "rocket" goes up and down
by twisting his nipples (really!) - funky "dudes" from the moon got Cody
twisting
furiously.
Commando
Cody VI – B&W, SHORT
- Cody hides behind a bush - Joel: "I'm a naughty little bunny! Spank
me if you catch me!"
Crawling
Eye – B&W - giant eyeballs
invade the Alps, live in a cloud - astronomers "seen it before", calls
in the troops … um, F-Troop's Sgt O'Rourke,
that is. Bad toothed girl bad-mouths
cloud, "eats corn through a picket fence" - fat man loses his head, clouds
lose their cool - hero packs a pistol in his PJ's - Crow: "don't all men?"
- girl about sister: "why does she act
like this?" - Servo: "She's a method actor?" First episode ever!
What's
with Servo's voice?
Creeping Hand –
Creeping
Terror –
Date
With Your Family – B&W, SHORT
- Beaumont on how to have an emotionless
(Mike: "I can't stress that enough!") 1950's
dinner, uptight Whitey style
- Son seats mother "just as he would his best girl" - Crow: "And the less
said about that the better!" - Daughter (per Crow): "Dad, I'm dating a
Negro…" Son (Joel): "Dad, I had an emotion today" Dad (Servo):
"Well don't!" Seethes with
repression and unspeakable urges.
Day
The Earth Froze – Russo-Finish - bad sound ruins epic of
ancient Fins and their broken "Sampo" - witch laughs, goose dies, yet
the harps play on. Servo-Joel-Crow:
"???"
Days
Of Our Years – B&W, SHORT
- darkness stalks this rusted Midwest town: eyes burned out, widowed brides,
heart-sick old men - why? God's one mean fucka, brother - suitably grim
Lutheran minister narrates, lays on the guilt like a Catholic - who knows?
maybe
your
next… SOL: the ’bots have a
gentle lesson on "gentle pressure".
Dead
Talk Back – B&W - a narrator’s dream: all
talk-over, all
the time - Mr. Weird-Beard wants to chat up the dead for science, talks
to lifeless actors instead - narrator counts down woman’s murder: "she
now has 35 minutes to live!" - lucky her: we’ve
still got 1½
hours more
to go. Meanwhile, photographers flee and stools
float - Servo: "I had that
problem…"
Deadly
Bees – British - to answer why this loser devotes years
of his life to breed bees to bug his
loser neighbor, rather than expressing
any honest dislike, is to explain
the British. Good luck. Phones ring,
ring, ring - nauseating mustard-colored
rooms - cigarettes for breakfast, lunch, dinner - long talks about the
dog’s "meat" - loser lures girl with bee facts - Crow: "Now - let me tell
you about the birds!"
Deadly
Mantis
– top 10
fave - B&W - giant mantis (no explanation) does what mantis’s do -
uptight city people get, well… uptight - terrorizes Army Base - soldiers
run out grabbing rifles from a rack - Crow: "There’s a deer in the parking
lot!" - independent newspaper girl sees Hero, forgets independence, makes-out
in car - Crow: "I’ve got a mantis in my pantis!" Mantis dutifully
dies so newspaper girl can become Mrs. Hero.
Death
Stalker III – creepily Canadian actor is pint-sized "here-we-go-again"
hero, all coz (in his own words) he's: "bigger, stronger, more good-lookin".
(i.e. "small penis") Lot’s o’ dumb-shit Ren’ Fair accents, cardboard
& tinfoil swords, eighties-era haircuts. Bat-winged helmets add
laughs - Mike: "OK men, squeak like you’ve never squeaked before!" - short
bald villain menaces all that is good
and holy with evil ohmygod!-short
mini-skirt - audience cowers, knows real
fear. Stinger: "What we
eat is potatoes!" Filmed in Mexico,
(no wrestlers).
Design
For Dreaming – B&W, SHORT
- Insane Hermaphrodites of the Future!
- world of tomorrow weirdo's "get off" over cars, kitchens - sing inane
self-commentaries - out-material Madonna - Mike: "Conspicuous consumption
makes our love stronger!" A very frightening 1950's vision of the
future … the hell-vision your parents
fought the Commies for.
Devil
Doll – B&W British - to disturbing for laughs - puppet
acts like it’s alive, is kept in steel cage - man with no
acting ability is hypnotist - true to his trade, he fondles women while
they are in trance. Inexplicably good ending.
Devil
Fish – more like Devil Sonar Blip - weasel-like Europeans
pretend to be American - drink Bud continually, from small cans - "The
man who controls the ocean controls the world!", hence the "Devil Fish".
Slow, and
boring!
Diabolik
– Euro - 1960's,
"in color" - polyester budget-Bond gets goofy with girlfriend, have sex
on cash
- he's all climb, steal, jump, splash! - eventually gets gold-plated by
the mob. Stinger: "Is that Stud coming?" Last episode ever
- SOL crashes: Mike, the rice, the ’bots watch The
Crawling Eye on their apartment TV
for old times sake. (BTW: The
Sci Fi channel sucks, bites, and/or blows - take your pick. Like
we need more "Sliders".)
Eegah!
– Arch Hall Jr.
paws on-screen girlfriend Roxy - Arch Hall
Sr.
paws on-screen daughter (and off screen
lover) Roxy too - cave-dude captures
Roxy, Arch Sr. lets him paw her to save his own skin. Wow.
Arch Jr. gets water in his tires, sings himself to sleep - paws
Roxy in his dreams. Eegah! ends
up face down in hotel pool - Stones play memorial concert in Hyde Park.
Final
Justice – Dough John Baker goes ahead on, makes his move
- dresses "cowboy" in Malta,
hauls his fat ass around for "justice" - constantly outwitted, falls back
on his Texas heritage of violence, cheap shots, prostitutes, and disgusting
bodily habits - (what, and he's
offended by MST-3K???) - vows to protect girl, she's killed for trusting
him - Servo: "There's a message here, guys…" SOL: Joel
escaped in Mitchell!,
Mike thinks he's outta here too!
Final
Sacrifice
– top 10
fave - filmed in…Lower Alberta! - sniveling Tolkien-reading kid is
chased through woods by not-to-with-it cult - drunk buffoon looking to
be humorous sidekick to the films hero, if
there were one, befriends the kid,
sort-of. Crow: "Is there beer on the Moon? - I wonder if I
can drink the kid…" Kid: "Rozzdoweeer!!!"
Fire
Maidens Of Outer Space – B&W - rocket crew braves B-movie
meteor shower, dumb space dialog - land on Jupiter's moon - hey!, it's
just like earth! - old coot Kings surrounded by 24 hot babes, can
only rant about “Atlantis” - crew
checks it out and takes their pick,
heh heh - monster wants some action
too
- crewman, girl, embrace in rocketship - Crow: "Attempting reentry, sir!"
Joel: "Hot steamin' love, Texas style, done up nice!". (liturgical
dance alert!)
Fugitive
Alien –
Future
War – exploding dinosaurs chase shirt-allergic space guy
around cardboard box factories - he thinks he’s in heaven
(really); prostitute-nun isn’t so sure - fat man rolls on space guy, police
are helpless - street gang helps nun - why? "there’s monsters in the hood"
- Z’Dar crashes prostitute-nuns ordination with jaw. Crow: "It’s
Super Pope!"
General
Hospital – B&W, SHORT
- The scene:
Doctor embracing nurse in bed. The
dialog: Doctor: "I've climbed glaciers,
fought aliens and blown up asteroids, been a Nazi in Tibet, survived the
Titanic, saved Private Ryan … but I
have to know - who's child are you
carrying?" Nurse: "The Terminators!" Yup, General Hospital
- adapted from the explosive best seller,
“Drink Yourself Thin!: The Big Martini Diet”.
Giant
Spider Invasion – filmed in Wisconsin, by locals - the Skipper,
white trash, spiders from mars etc - comet from space starts a ruckus -
giant wheeled spider has plush-toy legs - woman screams loudly - ugly man
visits ugly prostitute - almost
funny.
Girl
In The Gold Boots – The
Plot: girl can’t dance. Period.
Does
anyway. A weasel-boss, The Sixties,
oily skin, British cinematography, and, well, "Critter", runs through it
- girl wants her pretty mind back, and believe me, so
will you - band plays "Gold Boots"
while the girls "dance" - Crow (singing): "Keep those gold bras stuffed
with breast!" The Ending:
Critter plays harmonica with his ass, girl
still can’t dance. Pro
Vietnam, of course.
Girl’s
Town – B&W - nuns, scrubbings, drubbings, uniforms, and
whoa!, watch out ladies!, the jelly-jawed
"bad
boy"
of jazz: Mel Tormé!!!
Seething sex-repressed girls fight, smoke, talk hip, dance
frantically with each other(!) - Paul
"Mr. Innocent" Anka torments sex-repressed-to-insanity catholic girl -
he "just wants to help" - (sings Avé
Maria instead) - insane girl never
achieves orgasm, becomes insane nun: "I’ve found someone who loves me!"
- Anka flails at Tormé - Mike: "It’s the classic struggle: jazz
vs. pop!" Total butt-kiss to
the catholic church.
Godzilla
Vs. Megalon – Japanese - what is
it with Japanese kids and short shorts?
- skinny bachelor makes, guess what?, yes, a
robot! (Jet Jaguar) - undersea kingdom
attacks Japan for … for … how should
I know? They just do…
Jet Jaguar gets ass kicked by tag team undersea monsters - Godzilla comes
squealing to the rescue - (it's the short shorts) - not
as good as Mexican pro-wrestling, but just as classy.
You'll be singing the Jet Jaguar song for sure!
Gorgo
– B&W British - the feared "Irish Monster" escapes, stomps London,
Cromwell
powerless - one joke, and that joke
is "Dorkin". Co-stars the guy who can't leave Robert Denby
alone. SOL: "Waiting For Gor-go" gets three encores!
Gunslinger
– bored movie shoots sheriff, makes widow become new sheriff - makes her
cat-fight saloon owner, fall in love with her assassin, declare their love,
and of course, shoot each other - movie goes on to single-handedly kill
13 actors, 11
of which were unarmed, then starts in on audience. Not as painful
as Manos
or Red Zone Cuba
- still, a deliberate attempt on your life.
Hamlet
– B&W German - Achtung, Baby!
- OK, so Hamlets remembered as the best play by the best playwright … and
the Germans, (ho! ho!), are remembered for nearly destroying the world
in a holocaust of flames and murder - not
ones for remorse, they nearly destroy
this
masterpiece too.
Mike and his "allies", the ‘bots, triumph over evil with .50-caliber riffs. Rammstein says it best: "Du … hast … mich!" Yes, actually, we do.
Hercules
Against The Moon Men – rocks walk, sand storms, and lo! DEEP
HURTING! - stud-muppet gets his thong
wrong, but his tan right
- perfects Stooges-style head bonking - condemns girlfriend to "slow starvation".
Moon men don owl
costumes (what, like you wouldn’t?),
demand sacrifice (quite reasonably),
and prepare to take over earth. (Well,
why not? Crikey! All we’ve done is wreck the joint.)
Frank and Dr. F: "DEEP HURTING!"
Here
Comes The Circus – B&W, SHORT
- indeed:
evil and frightening clowns, loathsome mimes, disgusting food-ona-stick,
Euro-mustached guys in tights, whip-happy Nazi animal trainers, weird
acrobats … "Yes! Everyone loves the circus!" Mike: "Whoa - there's
some good old-fashioned nightmare fuel!" (Totally sick - even the
Humane
Society urges you not to go.)
High
School Big Shot – B&W - life is cruel, short, and bitter,
period - everybody dies - boy cheats on term-paper for girl, you know the
rest: drugs, double-crosses, two-timers, set-ups, crimes, mobsters, gold-diggers,
suicides, trigger-happy cops, killing sprees - yup, cheating:
goes to show. Teenage Werewolf
depresso-dad snuffs it again. Servo: "Yawn"
Hired!,
Part I – B&W, SHORT
- painfully thin "Thin Man" is selling ’55 Chevies door
to door: "I don't know why ours is
better, I just know it is!" - "I want you to buy your next ten cars from
me!"
- sales slump mysteriously - boss is to fat, and
his tie is to short and impotent to
lead effectively - just slumps and stares at his wee-wee. To
be continued…
Hired!,
Part II – B&W, SHORT
- Continued:
at life-crossroads, fat boss seeks advice from aged father…who
drapes skull with handkerchief, swats
at demons - viola!
- thus reassured, boss swats at sales anew, has tie surgically lengthened.
Made by Chevrolet to be … motivational.
Hobgoblins
– 1st
fave - stupid hand puppets, a trunk load of red shorts, and
great
Basque-Separatist Rock! - proximity to creatures causes people to act-out
their most repressed desires - man repeatedly parks car. "It’s fun
to be a slut!" Don’t miss: Club Scum, Old Man Radio, Road Rat, Reputation
Road, and, the Van.
Home
Economics – B&W, SHORT
- collage girl: "I want to teach" - Joel: "because I can't do!" - 1950's
career girls tackle collage, learn shopping, cooking, mending, child rearing.
Whoa!:
lookout glass ceiling! Prepares
them "for that most
important job of being Mrs.
Robert So-and-so" - Joel, the 'bots, (and you): "Booooo!"
Horror
Of Party Beach – B&W - 35 year old Shelby-Cobra-driving
collage kids slaughtered (hurrah!) in droves,
in this: radioactive waste’s finest hour - the Dell Airs ROCK, girls die
- painfully white 40 year old "boy" and "girl" survive to mate. Servo
about the marauding horrors: "They don’t even know what panties are, yet
they feel compelled to raid!" Mike and the ‘bots sing the sodium
song.
Horrors
Of Spider Island – B&W - dance girls lift skirts for
audition, crash at sea
- desert island life gets everybody drunk, naked, horny: amateur wrestling
ensues - jerk boss gets bit by spider, becomes spider-jerk - eventually
rescued, skirts go back on. (The horror!
The horror!)
I Accuse
My Parents – B&W - earnest tries-to-hard youth (named
Jimmy, of course) gets mixed up with obvious gangsters to get money to
court boss gangster’s girl, flees when a "deal" goes down wrong - ends
up in court - blames all on parents for being wealthy and having lives
of their own - Judge moralizes to
camera, and "Jimmy" beats the rap.
I Was
A Teenage Werewolf – B&W - werewolf-waiting-to-happen
teenager becomes a werewolf through therapy
with psychiatrist - psychiatrist and teenager kill each other in an effort
to end movie - father gives teenager advice on "doin’ what the Man sezs"
- teenager flings milk on wall. Yet another disturbing "movie with
a message".
Incredible
Mixed Up Zombies – B&W - ugly man directs and stars in
ugly film, is hypnotized to kill others like himself - audience rejoices.
Asks the question: "Is your schick in shape?"
Invasion
Of The Neptune Men – B&W Japanese - like Prince
Of Space but less fun and more irritating
- unexplained bizarre cameo
of Hitler (really) - if you like irritating Japanese kids in stupid little
shorts who run everywhere
in a group for no reason at all
and save Japan (again) while the adults sit in pools of their own drool,
well, this one’s for you. Bill Corbet as Krankor (see Prince
Of Space) in best Mike-era SOL segment
EVER.
Invasion
USA –
Is
This Love? – SHORT
-
It
Conquered The World – B&W - "tonight, on Biography":
ferret-faced "scientist" raps with space-pickle, totally sells-out just
like you'd expect a face like his to
- pickle takes over town, bans relish - Beverly Garland shows why she wore
the pants in Gunslinger.
"Good" scientist's wife gets sexy - threatened, he shoots her like any
1940's
husband would - ferret-face dukes it out with pickle, "good" scientist
survives to monologue … dramatically ... on
and on and on. SOL: "good" scientist
monologues … dramatically ... on and
on and on.
It
Lives By Night – station wagon/dork
alert! - "Loser On Board"
station-wagoning Doctor gets bit by bat while
trying to have sex in a cave - (Mike:
"He's a fun date!") - yup, now he's Dr. Bat; bites wife of course - sheriff
don't want no wife bitin' going on - 1½
hours of not-biting-the-wife TEDIUM ensues: ha!
ha!, the director laughs evilly at you, the audience.
Screw the movie - have sex with a friend in a cave of your own. You'll
be glad you did. Same movie as
Werewolf &
Moon Beast, except worse.
Jack
Frost
– top 10
fave - "Russo-Finnish" fairy tale, in color - I like this with or without
Mike and the ‘bots. Plenty
of Ushka-ing, Tom Petty, Rogaine regimens, pig-sleds,
and, madly hopping houses. Proves that (per Mike): "Unattractive
people are
evil!"
Junior
Rodeo Daredevils – B&W, SHORT
- mean old geezer is short, resents his baldness - makes grade school kids
ride mad bulls to assuage his feelings of inadequacy - alotta pain goes
down before baldies satisfied with life again. Man,
the 1950's…
Jungle
Goddess –
Keeping Clean – SHORT
-
Kitten
With A Whip – B&W - Mr. "Dim Watt Bulb" suburbanites
got a 1950's-size
problem: runaway sex-kitten will scream rape if
he doesn't have sex with her - his
solution?: huff ineffectually, stare dim-wittedly at camera - Mike:
"Um … angry? happy? sorry? surprised? … come on, what is it???"
Gives "duh" a bad name. Oh yeah, girl dies in Tijuana covering for
Dim Watt's political career
(which totally explains the "duh" factor).
Laserblast
– top 10
fave - "Are you ready for some football?"
- skinny southern rock wannabe finds cool alien wrist cannon - blasts back
at better built teens, acquires mysterious
powers of dislikeability - big-butt
aliens "off" him in the end for no
reason at all - reincarnates as Greg
Allman of the Allman Brothers Band - big-butt aliens off
him again. True story.
Crow: "Damn those hairy no-butt humans!"
Last
Clear Chance – B&W, SHORT
- grim cop puts the scare in kid about driver safety - later that day,
kid sees brother and girlfriend killed
by a train, cementing lesson - cop
shows up, pleased with the days work. Dark, very dark - almost Days
Of Our Years dark.
Leach
Woman – B&W - middle-aged scientist hates middle-aged
wife for not being younger
- seeks youth elixir in Africa so he can stand her again - wife, fleeing
Phantom
Planet nightmare man only-to-end-up-with-this-loser,
wisely has him sacrificed as part of concocting elixir - must keep killing
creeps to stay young. You go, girl!
Legend
Of Boggy Creek II
– top 10
fave - mumbly Prof. (Mike: "Ha! I’m insufferable!") sticks out butt, tells
everyone
what to do - hunts monster with soft focus flashbacks, collage girls. Devil
Fish sonar blip evolves onto land,
hassles Prof.’s pup tent with fierce looks - collage girls scream, fall
in mud, Prof: "let it play out" - fat ’n hairy Southern yokel wants to
show Prof. Mumbly his "little creature". Mike/Crow/Servo:
"NOOOO!!!" Fascinatingly bad.
Magic
Sword –
Magic
Voyage Of Sinbad – Russo-Finnish - Sinbads big-talkin' Finn
with a fur hat, Viking ship, socialist agenda - poor,
hungry? his solutions the "Bluebird
of Happiness" - its "better than food,
makes you forget you're hungry!" -
wisely, his comrades shove him overboard - Neptune dithers with wife about
décor, octopus ceiling fans. Dumb, but with totally cool "goddess
rising from the sea" scene. And the Bluebird? - oh, he gets "the
bird" alright.
Manhunt
In Space –
Manos,
Hands Of Fate
– very disturbing - very few laughs - very poor sound. Touted by
certain Torgo-like MST-3K fans (the locals from Giant
Spider Invasion?) as the best episode
ever.
Ouch.
Master
Ninja
– top 10
fave - Van Patten "pets the hamster", gets
ass kicked in bars - Old Coot Van Clief
spouts kindergarten philosophy, gets
ass kicked in bars - Clief gets his
"philosophy"
on Patten's "hamster"
- (Oooo - now they have
to get married!) Based on made-for-TV notion that everybody's
a secret Ninja vowed to kill Clief and Patten - total
BS, plenty of non-Ninja's and home-viewers
wish them death too.
Master
Ninja II –
Merlin’s
Shop Of Mystical Wonders – vindictive old crank: wanders
airports, hands out "magic books", flowers - wants to know: "Have you seen
my monkey"? - Crow: "Touch him! Love him!" … meanwhile
… short, cute, possibly British, definitely
evil:
this
"monkey" plays finger cymbals, forms band
with Dolenz, Tork, and Nesmith. Totally into it kid (singing): "Rock
and roll Martian!, Rock and roll Martian!" Last
new episode aired ever.
Mike
Nelson's Movie Megacheese
– top 10
fave - B&W - "three thumbs up", this little gadget puts the slice and
dicer to such evils as the Baldwin bros, Jim Carey's butt, and that wretched
Home Alone kid - puts the TOTAL ha!
ha's! to everything else
- shows what talking to robots 5 years daily can do for you. Laughguyz.com,
this is.
Mighty
Jack – Japanese - evil
vampires disguised as toy plastic
planes make boringly banked turns in deathly
boring slow-motion. LOTS of
banked turns. More boring stuff happens, you start to doze, and zap!
- the vampires feast!
No jive, baby - will suck your life-force
out and leave you dead. SOL:
Mighty Jack shows up: "I make my own
gravy!" Whoopee!
Mitchell!
–
doughy Joe Don Baker (as "Law Enforcement Officer" Mitchell!), slumps in
car, drinks beer, screams insanely at kids - sleeps with prostitute, drinks
beer, then busts her - murders man fleeing with drugs, collapses in bed
drunk. Crow: "Me and the beer - we’re movin’ in togetha - buyin’
a house togetha." As good as
it sounds.
Mole
People – B&W - know-it-all archeologist eats mushrooms
in mole-land - wields pomposity, big flashlight: everybody runs - gay elves
whip humped mole-men, sheep look on, nervous - King Crown Roast gives Mr.
Big Flashlight docile 1950’s
style woman - Ward Clever looks on, approves, sheep relax - homophobe moles
save Mr. Big Flashlight from gay elves - returns in Revenge
Of The Agar Creature.
Thanks a lot, moles.
(liturgical dance
alert!)
Mr.
B Natural – SHORT
- puberty-boy wants to fit in, thinks school
bands the ticket - manic hermaphrodite
hears his "cry for help" - shows him how to "play" an instrument
all of his own - "befriends" him -
toots own horn, teaches boy the same - bounces on boys bed, "Knew your
father, I did!" Crow: "Oscar Wilde only wished
he were this gay!"
Once
Upon A Honeymoon – SHORT
-
Operation
Double 007 – a joyous
celebration of male chauvinism.
Neil fills brother Sean’s shoes (and occasionally, pants) - yachts of scantily
clad women, Tibetan hypno-powers, robot death cars, exploding Bavarian
castles, cheesy medallions, world domination, and alpha males named "Alpha".
"Evil" fields lesbian bondage (!), women on all fours, and the "Wild Pussy
Club". "Good" counters with Neil
Connery. Now, which side would
you
prefer to be on? Be honest.
Out
Of This World – SHORT
- Dr-Smith-so-gay devil and one weird lookin' chick-angel called Whitey
(Mike: "Hey, Whitey!") hassle the … breadman.
Heaven and Hell want to know: will
he sell more bread or won't he?
Breadman shows 'em: specialty breads, sweet doughs, plus volume, grocer
good will -- yeah, in your face, baby!
Whoa! (Notice there's only white
bread in this 50's flick?)
Outlaw
-
Overdrawn
At The Memory Credibility
Bank – man in future watches
old movie, becomes an ape, is downloaded into super-computer where he recreates
set of Casablanca, has sex with himself, meets Aphrodite (who gives him
the 10
Commandments), hacks computer code, gains
ability to alter life for the better for all humankind -
doesn’t - re-recreates Casablanca "across town" instead. The real
truth behind Raoul Julia’s celebrated "lost weekend".
Painted
Hills – Ah, Hollywood! where
old coots pan fake gold from matte-painted mountains
- coot taunts script-villain that he's not got the guts to kill him, turns
out he does - humm - omnipotent dog,
Shep (Lassie #8), solves crime, avenges murder - Hurray! Little Timmy,
TV Indians, and "Pile-on Pete" (don't
ask) help. Forget god,
dude, worship Shep - this pup's the Sir Laurence Olivier of dog-actors.
I wept when he pulled little Timmy out of that well.
Parts:
The Clonus Horror – welcome to the Spaz Olympics training
camp! - extremely
white young folk in warm-up gear do lobotomy level aerobics, eat cake,
yearn to "go to America".
Phantom
Planet – B&W - man lands on planet, gets real
small - has pointless adventure, male
bonding, food, gravity, etc - kisses obviously repulsed actress - Servo:
"That’s combat pay!" - leaves planet and gets big again - worries nobody
will "believe" him.
Platform
Posture And Appearance – SHORT
-
Pod
People – Alf and friends get the touch of death, go berserk
in a cute way – stinky pop singer thinks it stinks, OK? – flute-voiced
boy hatches alien eggs in his bed:
"they want to be friends!" - (oh for
cute!) - drunk uncles, guns, booze,
elephant-nosed aliens, and perpetual fog, fogs
up the set – alien’s nose looks like a large dangling … um, "participle".
Joel & Co sing the mumbly "Free Association" song. Frank (lisping):
"Heth’s the bethst!"
Poopie
– Frank cracks up, and cracks up, and cracks up…. Featuring: the
Sidehacker song - Biker Mads - Voodoo dancing - Donut Cops - Torgo -
waffles
- and Wham! Dialog: "I don’t think, unsoul-brother"
- "You - you turd!" - "How ‘bout a little sugar for Crow?" - "Wake
you up before me go go!" Crow
catches fire, Servo’s head falls off repeatedly.
Poopie
II – "No woman, no cry", no
Frank, no ha ha’s – interesting: Mike’s
not funny off camera, and Trace just don’t like Mary Jo. Clips of
screw-ups, but not humorous
screw-ups. Proof that in the end, anything
can become just another job. Maybe
it was time to call it quits.
Posture
Pals – B&W, SHORT
- white teacher teaches white kids to stand white - everybody buddies-up,
competes for posture fame, cardboard-crown glory - dad disfigures shrubs
"as a reminder" Teaches
kids valuable life-lesson of getting ahead through sucking up.
Prince
Of Space
– top 10
fave - B&W Japanese - Chicken-men from Krankor try to conquer Japan
through not wearing underwear beneath their baggy tights - world scientists,
(Crow: "Lucille!?!") are dragged back to Krankor to be jettisoned into
space - shoeshine boy in Gilligan hat and some jolly Japanese kids in shorts
(again) save Japan (again). Prince of Space: "How often must I tell
you? - Your weapons are useless against me!" Krankor: "Ha, Ha, Ha,
Ha, Ha!"
Projected
Man – B&W British - "gentle" scientist uses lab equipment
to kill lab animals - "projects" stuff from here to there with science
- gets knob in a twist; acquires touch of death, British teeth - kills,
predictably. Lab assistants sit on either end of couch and talk,
smoke - Servo: "In England this IS
having sex!" Scientist dies after audience demands end of film -
returns for revenge as Devil Doll-wielding
Great Vorelli.
Puma
Man – British ultra-whimp in Super Hero whimp-suit (short
cape and brown chino’s!) whimps out
- world is saved from ultra-cool-clothed Euros by unimpressed mentor -
aliens show up in the end to confuse things further - Puma Man to girlfriend:
"Lets make little Puma Men!" Servo: "Lets not!"
Quest
Of The Delta Knights – young boy leaves his mentor to die:
rides horses, saves whores, saves world. Mike: "The movie by which
all Delta Knights movies are judged!" SOL: Pearl
riffs in the theater…
Racing
With Death
– 2nd
fave - Ben Murphy (!) gets laid-back and mellow, Seventies style - drives
truck and foils "turkeys" - nudges his big "Peterbuilt" up against his
buddies "tail-pipe" - threatens to leave "black streaks up his back".
(Works for Intersect - Crow: "Making lines meet for over 50 years!")
Everybody laughs in the closing sequence.
Radar
Secret Service – Oh Yeah!
- B&W - Japanese, dubbed! - exploding dragons, amazing science gadgets
- diamonds, destruction, inscrutable flying cars, kung fu monkeys! - masters
of disguise, evil space villains,
and LOTS of Velveeta
… oh, if only, if only….
Actually, it’s an ass-kiss to "Radar", filmed in Red
Zone Cuba mud-o-vision by white "science-is-god"
males. Mike: "Give…your…lives…to…Ray-dar!"
Red
Zone Cuba
– B&W - ugly calculating cruel men doing ugly calculating cruel things.
Skip this one - it’s sick. On videotape as a rental.
Revenge
Of The Creature – B&W - black lagoon creature is captured
using dynamite - is chained to bottom of aquarium and repeatedly zapped
with cattle-prod "for science" - escapes and drags off scientist’s girlfriend
for experiments of his own - scientist is given control of police and army,
kills creature "for science". Agar,
again.
Robot
Monster –
Robot
Rumpus – SHORT
- Gumby's robots mow the lawn then the house down - Mike on the odd
figured Mrs. Gumby's reaction: "Well,
that squares my breasts!" - Gumbo goes on robot-death rampage, nails robot-head
to garage: Crow and Servo have nervous
breakdown, weep.
Robot
Vs. The Aztec Mummy – B&W - Mexican - no
pro-wrestlers, sadly - evil scientist
fills gap by dressing as a wrestler
("The Bat") for "cultural reasons" - rival dresses up too: thinks he's
Euro-rich, white, also for "cultural reasons" - lots of haute talk, culture,
follows, but ends in shame: "The Bats" robot forgets breeding, disgracefully
pro-wrestles
rival's zombie. Truth will out.
Zombie was rival's wife's
Aztec lover
in a past life… cool huh? (liturgical
dance alert!)
Rocketship
X-M – B&W - the
original granola-cluster meteor-shower
movie! - call it what you will: fiddle-faddle,
oatmeal chunks, party mix, goobers, whatever,
these guys get space-whacked by it - even the cavemen on Mars whack it
to 'em too. Lloyd "you-want-to-kick-his-butt-so-bad-it-makes-you-pee"
Bridges patronizes woman scientist to the barf point - dies for his efforts.
I cheered. Joel cheered. The bots cheered. Now
its your turn. (Psst! - do
like I did: throw popcorn at the screen during the "meteor
showers".
Then watch a good Mexican wrestler movie like
Samson Vs. The Vampire Women. I
mean, this is your life, man.)
Samson
Vs. The Vampire Women – B&W - Mexican - squat 1940’s
Latino pro-wrestler
baffles sexy vampires with silly mask, costume - gets physical: "macho"
sport becomes gay-love ballet - vampire’s minions pro-wrestle too, run
with capes held out - Crow: "Vroom!" Way-cool
vampire women drink to the Moon, get sexy - Servo (singing): "Rhiannonnn!".
TV’s Frank goes to 2nd
Banana heaven. Stinger
(man, reverently): "God bless Samson"
San
Francisco International – ah, 1970:
the golden age of American made-for-TV cheese
- all-orange airport has big ears, smug alerts, lots o’ "drama", "action",
wigged women, token blacks - kills two
hours of prime-time! - made-for-TV
hippie gets made-for-TV mellow - Clu-less
Gulager puffs his cheeks, thwarts crime - kid steals plane, can’t land
- Mike: "can’t do it - too dumb!" Meanwhile,
Urkel rocks-out on the SOL - Pitch & Santa share a laugh with the Mads.
Santa
Claus – Mexican - in
which is revealed: Santa’s castle-on-a-cloud
heaven-world, child- labor sweat-shop, battery of CIA surveillance gear,
pentagram
decorations, creepy mechanical reindeer, ENORMOUS BUTT, compulsive "organ"
playing, and, "magic" powders. Sane-by-comparison
Satan
sends mincing demon Pitch to tree him, succeeds.
Moral: blond kids cute and wise - ethnic kids so corrupt, servants of evil.
Santa’s white, naturally. Mike and the bad boy ‘bots are
SÄNTA CLAÜS - "Baltimore,
are you ready to rock? Stuff THIS in your stocking!"
Santa
Claus Conquers The Martians – Martians snatch "Santy", succumb
to his Ho! Ho! Ho’s!
Jesus Wept! Santa Claus Conquers
The Martians: this could have been a freaking
masterpiece!
- the title promises … so much.
I suggest you do like I did: cut the title out and rub
it on your body while watching Prince
Of Space. Now, don’t that feel
a lot better?
Screaming
Skull – B&W - man tries to scare new wife insane to inherit
her money - woman escapes to become painfully thin-faced wife in Space
Children - half-wit splashes in frog
pond, pots plants, records "Layla". Released in Europe as The
Screaming Audience.
Secret
Agent Super Dragon – Italian
- talking table strikes blow for evil - wields deadly gum,
vase auctions, location shots - me-so-studly "Super Dragon" counters with
profile shots/condescending
you-want-me talk to 1960’s
I-want-it women - evil’s agents regroup: make a "w" with dominos, name
the planets - agent girl dies, gets her love
squeezed out - scientist takes a science-bath, tells all - evil flees with
the gum.
Joel & Co. get their chops down and jazz,
baby.
Selling
Wizard – SHORT
- overly eager1950's
girl wants to please with her freezer. (!?!)
She
Creature – B&W - reptile-woman from beginning of time
is materialized by vindictive hypnotist to liven up emotionless (and
proud of it) actors to no avail.
Shorts
Vol. 1
– top 10
fave - B&W - ah, the ‘50’s: Grooming, Industrial Arts, Home Ec, Dinner
Talk, Chickens of the Future, Repression, Incest - clips show you how to
build the dysfunction
right in.
Home Ec answers such questions as (per Servo): "What secret societies will
she join? Will she smoke thin black cigarettes and renounce the Triune
God?"
Shorts
Vol. 1–
Shorts
Vol. 2
–
Skydivers
– B&W -
Slime
People – B&W - Q: if lumbering extras in rubbery frog
costumes (armed with pointed sticks
and fog machines!) defeated the army,
and took Los Angeles for their own, would you miss it or even mind?
Well,
my friend, you're not alone…heh, heh, heh. Viva la Slime People!
Snow
Thrills – B&W, SHORT
- these Hi-ho Kokomo's looooove the snow - everyone waves madly - its so
white and wholesome! - its all ha-ha-I-fall-down! ski-jumps and skating
spills - and even a little "she-whoring"
for
spice. Joel & the 'bots:
"Whaa?"
Soultaker
– those crazy kids! - are they dead or aren’t they? - Death Angel flees
Werewolf,
muffs this job too - Z’Dar tries on the new jaw, plans Future
War - souls glow in Z’dark, bounce!
- really weird mother/daughter
voyeur scene (!) - hospital elevator
goes to heaven, you go to hell
- boy saves girl, rebuilds ‘57 Chevy. Servo: "I call it Gastaker!"
Z’awful.
Space
Children – B&W - blob from space tells cold-war children
what to do: defy parents and destroy latest national security device -
they do - drunken wife-beating Professor is killed by blob - ugly fat man
wears white robe and ity bity
shorts - blob returns to space. Assume that children are then killed by
government and/or
parents and/or
audience.
Space
Mutiny – God, Sting, and 60
year old Nina Hartly drive golf carts around warehouse (oops - space
carts around space
ship) - white people dance to casio
wristwatch music! - dead woman shows up later in a scene - Crow: "Look
alive everybody - oh, sorry, not you…" 20 year old living chin
saves warehouse (sorry - spaceship),
rolls around on top of Nina while viewers retch. End sets up for
a sequel.
Speech
- Using Your Voice – SHORT
-
Squirm
– Fly Creek volt leak turns worms into INSANE KILLING MACHINES - over-the-top
southern yokels crank accents to 10,
don dumb looks - it's no use: brutal war of worm aggression ensues.
Featuring: brave and noble worm-ranchers, suspicious Northern egg-creams,
and Ultra Dweeb: "dork hero". Worm guy wants to quit ranch, get hands
on over-the-top accent girl's "furniture". Stinger: "Who's gonna
be da worm-face now?" Good question.
Summer
Movie Blockbuster Spectacular II – Willis, Carey, Barrymore,
Saving Private Idaho,
Scully & Mumbles, etc, get the SOL treatment, and
boy do they deserve it - guy stuffs
animal crackers down Liv Tylers panties - Crow: "Well who hasn't?"
Servo (about X-Files): "There goes Bike Riding Man!"
Sword
& The Dragon – me-so-big-heart-hero sits on butt, gestures
proudly - Mongols take his wife, raise his son; more proud talk, gestures,
follow. Insta-grow horses, demon wind-bags, possibly a sword, eventually
a dragon. Russo-Finnish, but no
Jack Frost.
Teenagers
From Outer Space – B&W - space teens squeal tires at
1950’s
earth, flaunt their Pat Boone shoes, ranch
flying lobsters, and like, rule!
- fanatic space teen mans science-gun, goes on a skeleton spree - "sensitive"
space teen reads book, runs away - boss teen overacts, threatens space
"torcha!" - blonds got the hots for fanatic - Mike: "Earth girls are
easy!" Space Teen Parté
Wrap-up: fried lobster, broken hearts, and one mutha space wipe-out.
Oh, to be a kid again!
Terror
From The Year 5000 – B&W - oily man uses science to bring
back radioactive woman from Y5K for death and romance - pale puffy man
fights oily man, pure white woman looks on – kicky-scarfed groundskeeper,
(Crow: "Jimmy Carter has disco fever!") reads literature, flicks house
lights in Morse code: "send more porn!" Pretty good flick.
Thing
That Wouldn’t Die [but did!] – B&W - girl on dude ranch
hunts for water with stick - finds evil…head instead! - greedy Aunt finds
rest of evil body - evil head is reunited with evil body for all of 15
evil seconds until it glances at (evil?) crucifix and dies evilly.
This
Island Earth – weird-browed alien’s planet is under attack,
try to colonize earth - the Professor is blown up - do-gooder alien saves
the day (for earth), unfortunately.
TimmyBigHands.com
– attempts to answer the questions "is there life after MST-3K", "how much
of a life is it", and, "how funny is syrup, really"? Answers: A:
not much, B: not much, and C: not at all. Exactly the kind of lame
B-budget effort they'd have lampooned on the show. LaughGuyz.com
this isn't. Read Mike Nelson's
Movie Megacheese instead.
Time
Chasers – peculiarly jawed Vermont man flies multiple versions
of self and plane and others backwards and forwards through time - is killed
by Revolutionary soldiers - not worth trying to figure out. Crow:
"What kind of a hero drives a ten-speed anyway?"
Tormented
– B&W -
Touch
Of Satan
– 3rd fave - boy meets girl (possibly) and have lonnnng drawn out pauses
in-between scaring neighbors, ranching walnuts, and being scared by old
(possibly) woman. Girl holds her arms out wide - Crow: "Our next
pause will be this long!" Great burn-the-witch scene. Mike
and the ‘bots go wild
riffing on the opening credits - not
to be missed.
Track
Of The Moon Beast – meteor-whacked dumb-haired guy breaks
out in bad pajama’s,
lizard costumes - sleeps poorly, rips
off heads - police say: "it’s okay!"
- dates girl for one
day: but hey, it’s love! - police stand
guard while they boink - stew-proud
Indian Prof, Johnny Longbow, (Servo: "Johnny Longbone!")
is "worried", pokes Mr. Lizard with a stick - he explodes! Well,
wouldn’t you? SOL: Fish-lips
and the Eskimo sing "California Ladies" - Mike and the ‘bots go "Behind
The Music".
Truck
Farmer – SHORT
-
Twelve
To The Moon – B&W - "international" "scientists" don
fake accents, go to moon, have situations,
discover stuff - Crow: "I call it ‘me-ite!’" - moon puts USA on ice, overtaxed
ecosystems everywhere rejoice! - London calls (Servo:
"I
was there too!") - budget runs out
before movie’s end, you’ll wish you could. Way
more sons of Nazi’s, rockets on a
stick, goatee’d African astronomers, spaniels in space, "Sampo", foam-at-the-mouth
Frenchmen, and "Good & The Beautiful" Phantom
Planet space cadets than you’d expect.
Way more. Weirdly progressive
for the ‘50’s.
Uncle
Jim’s Dairy Farm – SHORT
- cows, corn, milk - cows, corn, milk…
COWS!, CORN!, MILK! - yep, welcome to the farm - Uncle Jim's "a nervous,
dangerous man" - mother has "little helpers" - big brothers yanking the
cow's teats again
- little brother can't keep hands of the ho's - the girls are all
over their kittens
…uh, why is this beginning to read
like the Basketball Diaries?
… play it safe, man: cows, corn, milk
- corn, cows, milk - cows, corn, milk…
Undead
- B&W – man hypnotizes prostitute back into mediaeval times for no
clear reason, follows her there for less reason - so, she’s to be beheaded
as a witch… she escapes, but he talks her back
into the beheading! - Devil shows
up, puts on a dance and signs up some yokels - prostitute "dies" and returns
with heart of gold - man is stuck hobnobbing with Devil. Man to prostitute:
"STAY!!!"
Mike's advise to audience: "RUN!!!"
Unearthly
– B&W - yet another
trusting young woman, psycho psychiatrist, cop disguised as a murderer,
ice-queen lab assistant, cellar-full-of-mutant-experiment-failures formula-flick.
Scientist is obsessed, naturally, with the "17th
gland" - Servo: "As if kids don’t have enough problems!" The Stairs
debut, hit pay-dirt later in Atomic
Brain - Tor Johnson wanders lost without
Ed Wood’s guidance, speaks: "Time…for…go…to…bed…time…" Exactly.
Village
Of The Giants – OK, so Opie makes this "goo" in his cellar,
and these baaaad1959
era teens (Bing Crosby sweaters and accountant haircuts) eat
it, grow 50’ tall, wear togas, and
dance, very very slowly.
Servo: "Now that’s
up with people!" Giant teen forces tiny yokel to ride her boobs,
(Sheriff: "I don’t pretend to understand…") Does
anyone, ever, really?
War
Of The Colossal Beast – B&W - big dumb guy from Amazing
Colossal Man is back - so who cares?
- certainly not Bert I. Gorden, and
it’s his film - dumb guy chases trucks,
eats bread, dies again. White man screams at Mexican boy in coma:
"Where’s my truck!?!" Where,
indeed? (Includes the ohmygod short: "Mr.
B Natural".
And no, he isn’t.)
Warrior
Of The Lost World –
Werewolf
–
slick Euros pretending to act American beat up Indians and randomly create
and kill a whole passel of werewolves (pronounced "wahrwolff") - chase
scene: woman runs, werewolf crawls after her, catches
her - (Shakes head and howls: "Ah-woooooooooo!" - Crow: "I am the
MAN! Yeah!") Not
as good as it sounds
What
About Juvenile Delinquency? (Yeah? What about
it!) – B&W, SHORT
- these bad-boys respect their teachers, expect floods, hop all
over pop for pencils: "swarm all over
him" - suddenly-bourgeois boy gives his patch back - snitchy and his squares
race JD's to town meeting - who'll tattle first? - film asks you
the audience: What would you do? Crow: "Reincarnate in a decade
with better hair?"
What To Do On A Date – SHORT
-
Why
Study Industrial Arts? – B&W, SHORT
- nasally High School geek tells ya why he likes "touching the wood" -
Mike: "I enjoy
the feel of wood-chips in my underpants!" - Coach Tough Guy straight talks
woodworking in locker room confidential: "…and besides, when yer wife don't
understand ya no more, and yer kids hate you, why, you'll have somethin'
to do in da evenings!" Amen.
Wild
World Of Batwoman
– top 10
fave - B&W - well sure, if your
idea of wild is a self-serious Robert's-rules
obsessed frumpy accountant in a dominatrix costume and cat
glasses!!! Sad, really.
Monkees-style chase scenes, happy dance pills, batgirls in bondage (!),
milk and macaroons, scientists dressed
as Mexican pro-wrestlers, old clips
from Mole People, Aztec Mummy…
She fights crime, you'll
fight confusion. Servo: "Accept the pain, man!"
Zombie
Nightmare
– INSANE
Poodle throws spaghetti, kills Thor with car - Thor goes not to Valhalla,
but
to Voodoo Lady instead, wields bat
against Batman (really!) - bad 80's music, buffalo shots ensue - (BTW:
the Penguins a coroner now) - Thor
stumbers around like Tor,
sings like him too! - Voodoo Lady drags Batman to Hell - not
a cartoon. Poodle: "What are
you
looking at? Eat your ice-cream!" An
evil movie.
Gilligan's
Island Sightings:
The Skipper: 2 sightings - Angels
Revenge & Giant Spider Invasion
The Professor: 2 sightings - Space Children
& This Island Earth
The Millionaire: 1
sighting - Angels Revenge
