Mystery Science Theater 3000




by Daniel V. Boudillion



Updated 16 January 2003


“I invite you to bite me!”


Agent For H.A.R.M.  00½  fights crime in pastel yellow sweater with squirt-gun - Prince gets Funkadellic for the opposition - talk substitutes for action, saves producer money - girl uses miniature radio the size of a radio - 00½ tries to, but never scores; philosophizes afterwards: "A beautiful creature, but utterly, utterly evil".


A Day At The Fair SHORT


Atomic Brain – B&W - actors go up and down stairs in search of plot, better script - blond can’t decide: British, Boston, or Southern accent? - loaded old prune wants prune brain in new body - ends up in cat instead, insulting cat - cat uses science to fry brain-switching scientist, wins Oscar, founds method-acting school - stairs launch successful line of video workout tapes.


Attack Of The Eye (Eye) Creatures – top 10 fave - boy meets girl, runs over creature from space - nighttime scenes shot in obvious daylight - zippers show on creature suits - Air Force losers use machine to peep at kids making-out in parked cars - man wears mind boggling night-dress.  Joel & the ‘bots: "They just didn't care!"


Alien From L.A. – sooooo, Kathy Ireland without airbrushing is kinda, well, plain - and irritating - and squeaky-voiced ….and (I quote): "oh, like, there’s these Australian accented Atlanteans, and everything, and like my dad is the bestest dad ever, and like pleeease help me, and like I’m from LA, ok, and this hunky guy, and oh, like bitchin punch!, and like I just wanna find my daaaaad, and like pleeease, and like, and like…."    Ayiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!   Repeat: Ayiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!


Amazing Colossal Man – B&W - dumb guy grows bigger, not brighter - roams mini Las Vegas in diaper, laughs ironically in tent, eats turkeys whole - fiancée has BIG worries about wedding night - doctor describes heart to her as "single celled", kills dumb guy with Keith Richard-sized syringe.  Crow: "No man is a forty foot island!"   Free nuclear footage.


Amazing Transparent Man – B&W - Mr. Roger's evil effeminate twin gets nuclear, prissy-fit-slaps girlfriend.  (Mike: "and she stays with him because…?") Pet German scientist gets twiddly with knobs, guinea pigs disappear, men too - the usual "invisible army" routine - banks are robbed, dialog attempted - a glass is rubbed on the wall - everybody explodes!  Cops: "they tampered in Gods domain" - Mike (Wisconsin accent): "Ooo, you're gonna see some of that!"  On the SOL, Mikey "touches the llama" (!)


Angels Revenge – vigilante girls fight drugs with violence - extreme-cleavage jumpsuits and bikini romps spell R-E-S-P-E-C-T - van has big bazookas too - there’s a pusher called "Styx", a drug-guy who makes love to beach ball (really), and guest stars: the Skipper and (!) the Millionaire.  Mike and the ‘bots crank up the "Shame-O-Meter": the Millionaire wins!


Appreciating Our Parents – B&W, SHORT - clears any confusion tiny 1950's era tykes might have between parents and VENGEFUL THUNDERING JEHOVAH'S - teaches placating random (but smugly righteous) acts of parental wrath through groveling, neat-freaking, crushing ones own spirit.  As always, generous portions of guilt and shame work their old magic.  Shown in school to kids!!!


Aquatic Wizards SHORT -


Beatniks – B&W - rat-boy whacks that fat barkeep, shrilly, for fame, glory - rat-friend croons way into recording contract, pretty girl - rat-boy rat-fights rat-friend for ultimate rat-glory, fall on their rat-asses - movie tries for hip, lands on it's rats-ass too.


Being From Another Planet


Beginning Of The End


Bloodlust – B&W - Brady dad fights for life on death island - is questioned on his fighting prowess - Servo (huffily): "Well, I did bitch-slap Ann B. Davis once!"  OK, so "scary"  stuff happens: acid baths, leach pits, the Tree of Death, hall of horrors, impalings, crossbows, dramatic monologues - but you know, I just wasn't worried.  I mean, would you seriously fear for, say, Barney, if he starred in Terminator III?


Blood Waters Of Dr. Z – shuffley dweeb scientist becomes shuffley dweeb fish-monster - dreams world conquest, drags off bikini-women instead, …just like he learned in "So, You’ve Just Become A Monster" school - junior Mod Squaders don jumpsuits, fight fish guy.  Why you will feel pain: Pete’s bell-bottoms and on-the-go-lifestyle hair, white Sheriff calling Link "boy", Julie becoming Mrs. Fish Dweeb.   "Z" for Zapruda quality.


Body Care And Grooming (they're Cops!) – B&W, SHORT - Aryan youths learn to scrub the monkey (and monkette!) - girl should dress better so boy "will feel more human" - Crow: "Yeah, so he'll grope you!" - Swedish girl showers enthusiastically - Joel: "Me so naughty!" - everyone sleeps exhausted after "a hard day grooming".  Whew!


Brain That Wouldn’t Die – B&W - Doctor Science has fiancé Jan’s head in a pan - checks out hot babes (for her new body) with hands-on enthusiasm - Jan In The Pan talks to Lump In The Closet, but is it love? - wants to know "whose more hideous?"  Servo: "The movie is, the movie is!"  Same script as Unearthly and Atomic Brain - no Stairs or Tor Johnson to save this one though.  Mike's first experiment, and I don’t think it went well.


Bride Of The Monster – B&W - Ed Wood directs, stars as the "bride" - Bela Logosi "whips" up a race of supermen to "rule the world!" - menaces locals with stock footage, cheap film effects - Teens From Space dad is happy-pill police chief: talks to birds, smiles at crime J - Tor fondles girl’s furry hat, hides it in his pants L - Mike: "Awww."  Bela gets high on science, grows tall in Super Freak’s platform shoes - Crow: "Now, with the strength of 100 heroin addicts!"   Bela, foreshadowing real life, dies in a puddle "fighting" rubber octopus prop.


Brute Man – B&W - slow talkin' slow walkin' Brute-dude strangles sanctimonious socialite pricks that disfigured him - blind girl befriends dude, offers kindness, piano lessons - socialites bust girl, use her to trap dude - dude dies believing she's betrayed him.  Jeez.


Case Of Spring Fever – B&W, SHORT - "Coily" (nyuck!, nyuck!) gets on your nerves fast - makes all the springs disappear: "noooo springs!" - frightens bald man into his religion, launches spring-fact Jihad against fitter, full-haired friends - bald man gets on your nerves fast.


Castle Of Fu Manchu inscrutable: is it a movie or a Rorschach test? … or something far more British and evil … china guy makes opium-ice, rules minds, world - director tries same trick on you with random meaningless images - flabby Brit whacks Ninjas dead - (Mike: "It's easy - like swatting mosquitoes!") - boredom-wielding Brit director whacks dead your Ninja-soul too.  SOL: the Mads try riff's: "Here comes an old car!" … "she's walking, we could say something funny about that!" … "look, they're doing things, ha! ha!"  Worse than Mighty Jack.


Catalina Caper – we-so-totally-white kids go romper-boo on beach, keep to the shallows: girls, parties, volleyball… righteous-ass son foils Criminal Dad - aren’t grown-ups dumb! - 20 white girls group-slap 20 white boys - movie group-slaps audience's intelligence - Jim Beys still got his Village of the Giants hat, agéd Tommy Kirks still in short-shorts - Little Richard does his Eddie Murphy impression, kicks serious white butt for 5 glorious MUST SEE minutes.  SOL: Servo's in love with "Creepy Girl", a most unusual young lady.


Catching Trouble SHORT -


Cave Dwellers Italian - Crow: "So, how much O’Keefe is there in this movie?"  Mike: "Um, Miles?"  Very few cave dwellers, but lots o’ this Colossus/Hercules/Fabio fella in a bikini and moon-boots: he romps and stomps accordingly, but without emotion - he-so-manly, his hair’s perfect - villain makes do with just a temper and a Cher wig (which explains the temper) - Swords n’ sorcery combine with Gilligan’s Island style hang-gliders and hand grenades.  Just what is  it with these Italians, anyway???


Century 21 Calling SHORT - Aryan youth duo recon the Worlds Fair "for the Fatherland" -  grabby "oh wow!" girl and gay-bah blond boy learn all about the telephone, have telephone races! - the perma-smile lady explains everything, even "watering the lawn with your own phone" - Mike: "The Führer will be pleased with this!"


Cheating – B&W, SHORT - Dark Boy lives in a parentless world of eternal night, grandfather clocks, and … cheating - is eventually caught in his own dark web, bringing shame on his one sweet angel of light, Mary - shunned, tormented, and vulnerable, his enemies vote him off the student council - ends with a question mark. The way things were before Reagan made greed and cheating respectable.


Chicken Of Tomorrow SHORT - in quest of the New Chicken, the Über-Chicken, the one Hitler feared - a stunning glimpse of the FUTURE of CHICKENS: bold & noble, muscled and proud, these über-chickens are … just as stinky, scratchy, stupid as the old ones.  In full color for every disgusting detail.


Code Name: Diamond Head


Colossus And The Head Hunters more like "Mr. Does-Nothing And The Plot Hunters" - (FYI: they never find one) - ‘50’s Italian style buff-boy poses, prances, pants, pumps, primps, pouts, and, (per Mike) "parts ferns with his bare hands!"  Did I mention he’s in a mini-skirt?  Did I mention his names "Mecheesecake"?  Oy!  A stinger in every shot!  (liturgical dance alert!)


Commando Cody I – B&W, SHORT - Mexican-wrestler-dressed US Agent Cody's "rocket"  goes up and down by twisting his nipples (really!) - funky "dudes" from the moon got Cody twisting furiously.


Commando Cody VI – B&W, SHORT - Cody hides behind a bush - Joel: "I'm a naughty little bunny!  Spank me if you catch me!"


Crawling Eye – B&W - giant eyeballs invade the Alps, live in a cloud - astronomers "seen it before", calls in the troops … um, F-Troop's Sgt O'Rourke, that is.  Bad toothed girl bad-mouths cloud, "eats corn through a picket fence" - fat man loses his head, clouds lose their cool - hero packs a pistol in his PJ's - Crow: "don't all men?" - girl about sister: "why does she act like this?" - Servo: "She's a method actor?"  First episode ever! What's with Servo's voice?


Creeping Hand


Creeping Terror


Date With Your Family – B&W, SHORT - Beaumont on how to have an emotionless (Mike: "I can't stress that enough!") 1950's dinner, uptight Whitey style - Son seats mother "just as he would his best girl" - Crow: "And the less said about that the better!" - Daughter (per Crow): "Dad, I'm dating a Negro…"  Son (Joel): "Dad, I had an emotion today"  Dad (Servo): "Well don't!"   Seethes with repression and unspeakable urges.


Day The Earth Froze – Russo-Finish - bad sound ruins epic of ancient Fins and their broken "Sampo" - witch laughs, goose dies, yet the harps play on.  Servo-Joel-Crow: "???"


Days Of Our Years – B&W, SHORT - darkness stalks this rusted Midwest town: eyes burned out, widowed brides, heart-sick old men - why? God's one mean fucka, brother - suitably grim Lutheran minister narrates, lays on the guilt like a Catholic - who knows? maybe your next…  SOL: the ’bots have a gentle lesson on "gentle pressure".


Dead Talk Back – B&W - a narrator’s dream: all talk-over, all the time - Mr. Weird-Beard wants to chat up the dead for science, talks to lifeless actors instead - narrator counts down woman’s murder: "she now has 35 minutes to live!" - lucky her: we’ve still got 1½ hours more to go.  Meanwhile, photographers flee and stools float - Servo: "I had that problem…"


Deadly Bees – British - to answer why this loser devotes years of his life to breed bees to bug his loser neighbor, rather than expressing any honest dislike, is to explain the British.  Good luck.  Phones ring, ring, ring - nauseating mustard-colored rooms - cigarettes for breakfast, lunch, dinner - long talks about the dog’s "meat" - loser lures girl with bee facts - Crow: "Now - let me tell you about the birds!"


Deadly Mantis – top 10 fave - B&W - giant mantis (no explanation) does what mantis’s do - uptight city people get, well… uptight - terrorizes Army Base - soldiers run out grabbing rifles from a rack - Crow: "There’s a deer in the parking lot!" - independent newspaper girl sees Hero, forgets independence, makes-out in car - Crow: "I’ve got a mantis in my pantis!"  Mantis dutifully dies so newspaper girl can become Mrs. Hero.


Death Stalker III – creepily Canadian actor is pint-sized "here-we-go-again" hero, all coz (in his own words) he's: "bigger, stronger, more good-lookin".  (i.e. "small penis")  Lot’s o’ dumb-shit Ren’ Fair accents, cardboard & tinfoil swords, eighties-era haircuts.  Bat-winged helmets add laughs - Mike: "OK men, squeak like you’ve never squeaked before!" - short bald villain menaces all that is good and holy with evil ohmygod!-short mini-skirt - audience cowers, knows real fear.  Stinger: "What we eat is potatoes!"  Filmed in Mexico, (no wrestlers).


Design For Dreaming – B&W, SHORT - Insane Hermaphrodites of the Future! - world of tomorrow weirdo's "get off" over cars, kitchens - sing inane self-commentaries - out-material Madonna - Mike: "Conspicuous consumption makes our love stronger!"  A very frightening 1950's vision of the future … the hell-vision your parents fought the Commies for.


Devil Doll – B&W British - to disturbing for laughs - puppet acts like it’s alive, is kept in steel cage - man with no acting ability is hypnotist - true to his trade, he fondles women while they are in trance.  Inexplicably good ending.

Devil Fish – more like Devil Sonar Blip - weasel-like Europeans pretend to be American - drink Bud continually, from small cans - "The man who controls the ocean controls the world!", hence the "Devil Fish".   Slow, and boring!


Diabolik – Euro - 1960's, "in color" - polyester budget-Bond gets goofy with girlfriend, have sex on cash - he's all climb, steal, jump, splash! - eventually gets gold-plated by the mob.  Stinger: "Is that Stud coming?"  Last episode ever - SOL crashes: Mike, the rice, the ’bots watch The Crawling Eye on their apartment TV for old times sake.  (BTW: The Sci Fi channel sucks, bites, and/or blows - take your pick.  Like we need more "Sliders".)


Eegah! – Arch Hall Jr. paws on-screen girlfriend Roxy - Arch Hall Sr. paws on-screen daughter (and off screen lover) Roxy too - cave-dude captures Roxy, Arch Sr. lets him paw her to save his own skin.  Wow.  Arch Jr. gets water in his tires, sings himself to sleep - paws Roxy in his dreams.  Eegah! ends up face down in hotel pool - Stones play memorial concert in Hyde Park.


Final Justice – Dough John Baker goes ahead on, makes his move - dresses "cowboy" in Malta, hauls his fat ass around for "justice" - constantly outwitted, falls back on his Texas heritage of violence, cheap shots, prostitutes, and disgusting bodily habits - (what, and he's offended by MST-3K???) - vows to protect girl, she's killed for trusting him - Servo: "There's a message here, guys…"    SOL: Joel escaped in Mitchell!, Mike thinks he's outta here too!


Final Sacrifice – top 10 fave -  filmed in…Lower Alberta! - sniveling Tolkien-reading kid is chased through woods by not-to-with-it cult - drunk buffoon looking to be humorous sidekick to the films hero, if there were one, befriends the kid, sort-of.   Crow: "Is there beer on the Moon? - I wonder if I can drink the kid…"  Kid: "Rozzdoweeer!!!"


Fire Maidens Of Outer Space – B&W - rocket crew braves B-movie meteor shower, dumb space dialog - land on Jupiter's moon - hey!, it's just like earth! - old coot Kings surrounded by 24 hot babes, can only rant about “Atlantis” - crew checks it out and takes their pick, heh heh - monster wants some action too - crewman, girl, embrace in rocketship - Crow: "Attempting reentry, sir!"   Joel: "Hot steamin' love, Texas style, done up nice!".   (liturgical dance alert!)


Fugitive Alien


Future War – exploding dinosaurs chase shirt-allergic space guy around cardboard box factories - he thinks he’s in heaven (really); prostitute-nun isn’t so sure - fat man rolls on space guy, police are helpless - street gang helps nun - why? "there’s monsters in the hood" - Z’Dar crashes prostitute-nuns ordination with jaw.  Crow: "It’s Super Pope!"


General Hospital – B&W, SHORT - The scene: Doctor embracing nurse in bed. The dialog: Doctor: "I've climbed glaciers, fought aliens and blown up asteroids, been a Nazi in Tibet, survived the Titanic, saved Private Ryan … but I have to know - who's child are you carrying?"  Nurse: "The Terminators!"  Yup, General Hospital - adapted from the explosive best seller, “Drink Yourself Thin!: The Big Martini Diet”.


Giant Spider Invasion – filmed in Wisconsin, by locals - the Skipper, white trash, spiders from mars etc - comet from space starts a ruckus - giant wheeled spider has plush-toy legs - woman screams loudly - ugly man visits ugly prostitute - almost funny.


Girl In The Gold BootsThe Plot: girl can’t dance.  Period. Does anyway.  A weasel-boss, The Sixties, oily skin, British cinematography, and, well, "Critter", runs through it - girl wants her pretty mind back, and believe me, so will you - band plays "Gold Boots" while the girls "dance" -  Crow (singing): "Keep those gold bras stuffed with breast!" The Ending: Critter plays harmonica with his ass, girl still can’t dance.   Pro Vietnam, of course.


Girl’s Town – B&W - nuns, scrubbings, drubbings, uniforms, and whoa!, watch out ladies!, the jelly-jawed "bad boy" of jazz: Mel Tormé!!!   Seething sex-repressed girls fight, smoke, talk hip, dance frantically with each other(!) - Paul "Mr. Innocent" Anka torments sex-repressed-to-insanity catholic girl - he "just wants to help" - (sings Avé Maria instead) - insane girl never achieves orgasm, becomes insane nun: "I’ve found someone who loves me!" - Anka flails at Tormé - Mike: "It’s the classic struggle: jazz vs. pop!"  Total butt-kiss to the catholic church.


Godzilla Vs. Megalon – Japanese - what is it with Japanese kids and short shorts? - skinny bachelor makes, guess what?, yes, a robot! (Jet Jaguar) - undersea kingdom attacks Japan for … for … how should I know?  They just do…  Jet Jaguar gets ass kicked by tag team undersea monsters - Godzilla comes squealing to the rescue - (it's the short shorts) - not as good as Mexican pro-wrestling, but just as classy.   You'll be singing the Jet Jaguar song for sure!


Gorgo – B&W British - the feared "Irish Monster" escapes, stomps London, Cromwell powerless - one joke, and that joke is "Dorkin".   Co-stars the guy who can't leave Robert Denby alone.  SOL: "Waiting For Gor-go" gets three encores!


Gunslinger – bored movie shoots sheriff, makes widow become new sheriff - makes her cat-fight saloon owner, fall in love with her assassin, declare their love, and of course, shoot each other - movie goes on to single-handedly kill 13 actors, 11 of which were unarmed, then starts in on audience.  Not as painful as Manos or Red Zone Cuba - still, a deliberate attempt on your life.


Hamlet – B&W  German - Achtung, Baby! - OK, so Hamlets remembered as the best play by the best playwright … and the Germans, (ho! ho!), are remembered for nearly destroying the world in a holocaust of flames and murder - not ones for remorse, they nearly destroy this masterpiece too.  Mike and his "allies", the ‘bots, triumph over evil with .50-caliber riffs.  Rammstein says it best: "Du … hast … mich!"  Yes, actually, we do.


Hercules Against The Moon Men – rocks walk, sand storms, and lo! DEEP HURTING! - stud-muppet gets his thong wrong, but his tan right - perfects Stooges-style head bonking - condemns girlfriend to "slow starvation".  Moon men don owl costumes (what, like you wouldn’t?), demand sacrifice (quite reasonably), and prepare to take over earth.  (Well, why not?  Crikey!  All we’ve done is wreck the joint.)  Frank and Dr. F: "DEEP HURTING!"


Here Comes The Circus – B&W, SHORT - indeed: evil and frightening clowns, loathsome mimes, disgusting food-ona-stick, Euro-mustached guys in tights, whip-happy Nazi animal trainers, weird acrobats … "Yes! Everyone loves the circus!"  Mike: "Whoa - there's some good old-fashioned nightmare fuel!"  (Totally sick - even the Humane Society urges you not to go.)


High School Big Shot – B&W - life is cruel, short, and bitter, period - everybody dies - boy cheats on term-paper for girl, you know the rest: drugs, double-crosses, two-timers, set-ups, crimes, mobsters, gold-diggers, suicides, trigger-happy cops, killing sprees - yup, cheating: goes to show.  Teenage Werewolf depresso-dad snuffs it again.  Servo: "Yawn"


Hired!, Part I – B&W, SHORT - painfully thin "Thin Man" is selling ’55 Chevies door to door: "I don't know why ours is better, I just know it is!" - "I want you to buy your next ten cars from me!" - sales slump mysteriously - boss is to fat, and his tie is to short and impotent to lead effectively - just slumps and stares at his wee-wee.  To be continued…


Hired!, Part II – B&W, SHORT - Continued: at life-crossroads, fat boss seeks advice from aged father…who drapes skull with handkerchief, swats at demons - viola! - thus reassured, boss swats at sales anew, has tie surgically lengthened.  Made by Chevrolet to be … motivational.


Hobgoblins 1st  fave - stupid hand puppets, a trunk load of red shorts, and great Basque-Separatist Rock! - proximity to creatures causes people to act-out their most repressed desires - man repeatedly parks car.  "It’s fun to be a slut!"  Don’t miss: Club Scum, Old Man Radio, Road Rat, Reputation Road, and, the Van.


Home Economics – B&W, SHORT - collage girl: "I want to teach" - Joel: "because I can't do!" - 1950's career girls tackle collage, learn shopping, cooking, mending, child rearing. Whoa!: lookout glass ceiling!  Prepares them "for that most important job of being Mrs. Robert So-and-so"  - Joel, the 'bots, (and you): "Booooo!"


Horror Of Party Beach – B&W - 35 year old Shelby-Cobra-driving collage kids slaughtered (hurrah!) in droves, in this: radioactive waste’s finest hour - the Dell Airs ROCK, girls die - painfully white 40 year old "boy" and "girl" survive to mate.  Servo about the marauding horrors: "They don’t even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid!"  Mike and the ‘bots sing the sodium song.


Horrors Of Spider Island – B&W - dance girls lift skirts for audition, crash at sea - desert island life gets everybody drunk, naked, horny: amateur wrestling ensues - jerk boss gets bit by spider, becomes spider-jerk - eventually rescued, skirts go back on. (The horror! The horror!)


I Accuse My Parents – B&W - earnest tries-to-hard youth (named Jimmy, of course) gets mixed up with obvious gangsters to get money to court boss gangster’s girl, flees when a "deal" goes down wrong - ends up in court - blames all on parents for being wealthy and having lives of their own - Judge moralizes to camera, and "Jimmy" beats the rap.


I Was A Teenage Werewolf – B&W - werewolf-waiting-to-happen teenager becomes a werewolf through therapy with psychiatrist - psychiatrist and teenager kill each other in an effort to end movie - father gives teenager advice on "doin’ what the Man sezs" - teenager flings milk on wall.  Yet another disturbing "movie with a message".


Incredible Mixed Up Zombies – B&W - ugly man directs and stars in ugly film, is hypnotized to kill others like himself - audience rejoices.  Asks the question: "Is your schick in shape?"


Invasion Of The Neptune Men – B&W Japanese - like Prince Of Space but less fun and more irritating - unexplained bizarre cameo of Hitler (really) - if you like irritating Japanese kids in stupid little shorts who run everywhere in a group for no reason at all and save Japan (again) while the adults sit in pools of their own drool, well, this one’s for you.  Bill Corbet as Krankor (see Prince Of Space) in best Mike-era SOL segment EVER.


Invasion USA


Is This Love?SHORT -


It Conquered The World – B&W - "tonight, on Biography": ferret-faced "scientist" raps with space-pickle, totally sells-out just like you'd expect a face like his to - pickle takes over town, bans relish - Beverly Garland shows why she wore the pants in Gunslinger. "Good" scientist's wife gets sexy - threatened, he shoots her like any 1940's husband would - ferret-face dukes it out with pickle, "good" scientist survives to monologue … dramatically ... on and on and on.  SOL: "good" scientist monologues … dramatically ... on and on and on.


It Lives By Night – station wagon/dork alert! - "Loser On Board" station-wagoning Doctor gets bit by bat while trying to have sex in a cave - (Mike: "He's a fun date!") - yup, now he's Dr. Bat; bites wife of course - sheriff don't want no wife bitin' going on - 1½ hours of not-biting-the-wife TEDIUM ensues: ha! ha!, the director laughs evilly at you, the audience.  Screw the movie - have sex with a friend in a cave of your own.  You'll be glad you did.  Same movie as Werewolf & Moon Beast, except worse.


Jack Frost – top 10 fave - "Russo-Finnish" fairy tale, in color - I like this with or without Mike and the ‘bots.  Plenty of Ushka-ing, Tom Petty, Rogaine regimens, pig-sleds, and, madly hopping houses.  Proves that (per Mike): "Unattractive people are evil!"


Junior Rodeo Daredevils – B&W, SHORT - mean old geezer is short, resents his baldness - makes grade school kids ride mad bulls to assuage his feelings of inadequacy - alotta pain goes down before baldies satisfied with life again.  Man, the 1950's…


Jungle Goddess


Keeping CleanSHORT -


Kitten With A Whip – B&W - Mr. "Dim Watt Bulb" suburbanites got a 1950's-size problem: runaway sex-kitten will scream rape if he doesn't have sex with her - his solution?: huff ineffectually, stare dim-wittedly at camera -  Mike: "Um … angry? happy? sorry? surprised? … come on, what is it???"   Gives "duh" a bad name.  Oh yeah, girl dies in Tijuana covering for Dim Watt's political career (which totally explains the "duh" factor).


Laserblast – top 10 fave - "Are you ready for some football?" - skinny southern rock wannabe finds cool alien wrist cannon - blasts back at better built teens, acquires mysterious powers of dislikeability - big-butt aliens "off" him in the end for no reason at all - reincarnates as Greg Allman of the Allman Brothers Band - big-butt aliens off him again.  True story.  Crow: "Damn those hairy no-butt humans!"


Last Clear Chance – B&W, SHORT - grim cop puts the scare in kid about driver safety - later that day, kid sees brother and girlfriend killed by a train, cementing lesson - cop shows up, pleased with the days work.  Dark, very dark - almost Days Of Our Years dark.


Leach Woman – B&W - middle-aged scientist hates middle-aged wife for not being younger - seeks youth elixir in Africa so he can stand her again - wife, fleeing Phantom Planet nightmare man only-to-end-up-with-this-loser, wisely has him sacrificed as part of concocting elixir - must keep killing creeps to stay young.  You go, girl!


Legend Of Boggy Creek II – top 10 fave - mumbly Prof. (Mike: "Ha! I’m insufferable!") sticks out butt, tells everyone what to do - hunts monster with soft focus flashbacks, collage girls. Devil Fish sonar blip evolves onto land, hassles Prof.’s pup tent with fierce looks - collage girls scream, fall in mud, Prof: "let it play out" - fat ’n hairy Southern yokel wants to show Prof. Mumbly his "little creature".  Mike/Crow/Servo: "NOOOO!!!"  Fascinatingly bad.


Magic Sword


Magic Voyage Of Sinbad – Russo-Finnish - Sinbads big-talkin' Finn with a fur hat, Viking ship, socialist agenda - poor, hungry? his solutions the "Bluebird of Happiness" - its "better than food, makes you forget you're hungry!" - wisely, his comrades shove him overboard - Neptune dithers with wife about décor, octopus ceiling fans.  Dumb, but with totally cool "goddess rising from the sea" scene.  And the Bluebird? - oh, he gets "the bird" alright.


Manhunt In Space


Manos, Hands Of Fate – very disturbing - very few laughs - very poor sound.  Touted by certain Torgo-like MST-3K fans (the locals from Giant Spider Invasion?) as the best episode ever.  Ouch.


Master Ninja – top 10 fave - Van Patten "pets the hamster", gets ass kicked in bars - Old Coot Van Clief spouts kindergarten philosophy, gets ass kicked in bars - Clief gets his "philosophy" on Patten's "hamster" - (Oooo - now they have to get married!)  Based on made-for-TV notion that everybody's a secret Ninja vowed to kill Clief and Patten - total BS, plenty of non-Ninja's and home-viewers wish them death too.


Master Ninja II


Merlin’s Shop Of Mystical Wonders – vindictive old crank: wanders airports, hands out "magic books", flowers - wants to know: "Have you seen my monkey"? - Crow: "Touch him! Love him!" … meanwhile … short, cute, possibly British, definitely evil: this "monkey" plays finger cymbals, forms band with Dolenz, Tork, and Nesmith.  Totally into it kid (singing): "Rock and roll Martian!, Rock and roll Martian!"   Last new episode aired ever.


Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese – top 10 fave - B&W - "three thumbs up", this little gadget puts the slice and dicer to such evils as the Baldwin bros, Jim Carey's butt, and that wretched Home Alone kid - puts the TOTAL ha! ha's! to everything else - shows what talking to robots 5 years daily can do for you.  Laughguyz.com, this is.


Mighty Jack – Japanese - evil vampires disguised as toy plastic planes make boringly banked turns in deathly boring slow-motion.  LOTS of banked turns.  More boring stuff happens, you start to doze, and zap! - the vampires feast!  No jive, baby - will suck your life-force out and leave you dead.  SOL: Mighty Jack shows up: "I make my own gravy!"   Whoopee!


Mitchell! – doughy Joe Don Baker (as "Law Enforcement Officer" Mitchell!), slumps in car, drinks beer, screams insanely at kids - sleeps with prostitute, drinks beer, then busts her - murders man fleeing with drugs, collapses in bed drunk.  Crow: "Me and the beer - we’re movin’ in togetha - buyin’ a house togetha."  As good as it sounds.


Mole People – B&W - know-it-all archeologist eats mushrooms in mole-land - wields pomposity, big flashlight: everybody runs - gay elves whip humped mole-men, sheep look on, nervous - King Crown Roast gives Mr. Big Flashlight docile 1950’s style woman - Ward Clever looks on, approves, sheep relax - homophobe moles save Mr. Big Flashlight from gay elves - returns in Revenge Of The Agar Creature.  Thanks a lot, moles. (liturgical dance alert!)


Mr. B NaturalSHORT - puberty-boy wants to fit in, thinks school bands the ticket - manic hermaphrodite hears his "cry for help" - shows him how to "play" an instrument all of his own - "befriends" him - toots own horn, teaches boy the same - bounces on boys bed, "Knew your father, I did!"   Crow: "Oscar Wilde only wished he were this gay!"


Once Upon A HoneymoonSHORT -


Operation Double 007 – a joyous celebration of male chauvinism.  Neil fills brother Sean’s shoes (and occasionally, pants) - yachts of scantily clad women, Tibetan hypno-powers, robot death cars, exploding Bavarian castles, cheesy medallions, world domination, and alpha males named "Alpha".  "Evil" fields lesbian bondage (!), women on all fours, and the "Wild Pussy Club".  "Good" counters with Neil Connery.  Now, which side would you prefer to be on?   Be honest.


Out Of This WorldSHORT - Dr-Smith-so-gay devil and one weird lookin' chick-angel called Whitey (Mike: "Hey, Whitey!") hassle the … breadman.  Heaven and Hell want to know: will he sell more bread or won't he?  Breadman shows 'em: specialty breads, sweet doughs, plus volume, grocer good will -- yeah, in your face, baby!   Whoa!   (Notice there's only white bread in this 50's flick?)


Outlaw -


Overdrawn At The Memory Credibility Bank – man in future watches old movie, becomes an ape, is downloaded into super-computer where he recreates set of Casablanca, has sex with himself, meets Aphrodite (who gives him the 10 Commandments), hacks computer code, gains ability to alter life for the better for all humankind - doesn’t - re-recreates Casablanca "across town" instead.  The real truth behind Raoul Julia’s celebrated "lost weekend".


Painted Hills – Ah, Hollywood! where old coots pan fake gold from matte-painted mountains - coot taunts script-villain that he's not got the guts to kill him, turns out he does - humm - omnipotent dog, Shep (Lassie #8), solves crime, avenges murder - Hurray!  Little Timmy, TV Indians, and "Pile-on Pete" (don't ask) help.  Forget god, dude, worship Shep - this pup's the Sir Laurence Olivier of dog-actors.  I wept when he pulled little Timmy out of that well.


Parts: The Clonus Horror – welcome to the Spaz Olympics training camp! - extremely white young folk in warm-up gear do lobotomy level aerobics, eat cake, yearn to "go to America".


Phantom Planet – B&W - man lands on planet, gets real small - has pointless adventure, male bonding, food, gravity, etc - kisses obviously repulsed actress - Servo: "That’s combat pay!" - leaves planet and gets big again - worries nobody will "believe" him.


Platform Posture And AppearanceSHORT -


Pod People – Alf and friends get the touch of death, go berserk in a cute way – stinky pop singer thinks it stinks, OK? – flute-voiced boy hatches alien eggs in his bed: "they want to be friends!" - (oh for cute!) - drunk uncles, guns, booze, elephant-nosed aliens, and perpetual fog, fogs up the set – alien’s nose looks like a large dangling … um, "participle".  Joel & Co sing the mumbly "Free Association" song.  Frank (lisping): "Heth’s the bethst!"


Poopie – Frank cracks up, and cracks up, and cracks up….  Featuring: the Sidehacker song - Biker Mads - Voodoo dancing - Donut Cops - Torgo - waffles - and Wham!  Dialog: "I don’t think, unsoul-brother" - "You - you turd!" -  "How ‘bout a little sugar for Crow?" - "Wake you up before me go go!"  Crow catches fire, Servo’s head falls off repeatedly.


Poopie II – "No woman, no cry", no Frank, no ha ha’s – interesting: Mike’s not funny off camera, and Trace just don’t like Mary Jo.  Clips of screw-ups, but not humorous screw-ups.  Proof that in the end, anything can become just another job.  Maybe it was time to call it quits.


Posture Pals – B&W, SHORT - white teacher teaches white kids to stand white - everybody buddies-up, competes for posture fame, cardboard-crown glory - dad disfigures shrubs "as a reminder"   Teaches kids valuable life-lesson of getting ahead through sucking up.


Prince Of Space – top 10 fave - B&W Japanese - Chicken-men from Krankor try to conquer Japan through not wearing underwear beneath their baggy tights - world scientists, (Crow: "Lucille!?!") are dragged back to Krankor to be jettisoned into space - shoeshine boy in Gilligan hat and some jolly Japanese kids in shorts (again) save Japan (again).  Prince of Space: "How often must I tell you? - Your weapons are useless against me!"  Krankor: "Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!"


Projected Man – B&W British - "gentle" scientist uses lab equipment to kill lab animals - "projects" stuff from here to there with science - gets knob in a twist; acquires touch of death, British teeth - kills, predictably.  Lab assistants sit on either end of couch and talk, smoke - Servo: "In England this IS having sex!"  Scientist dies after audience demands end of film - returns for revenge as Devil Doll-wielding Great Vorelli.


Puma Man – British ultra-whimp in Super Hero whimp-suit (short cape and brown chino’s!) whimps out - world is saved from ultra-cool-clothed Euros by unimpressed mentor - aliens show up in the end to confuse things further - Puma Man to girlfriend: "Lets make little Puma Men!"  Servo: "Lets not!"


Quest Of The Delta Knights – young boy leaves his mentor to die: rides horses, saves whores, saves world.  Mike: "The movie by which all Delta Knights movies are judged!"  SOL: Pearl riffs in the theater…


Racing With Death 2nd fave - Ben Murphy (!) gets laid-back and mellow, Seventies style - drives truck and foils "turkeys" - nudges his big "Peterbuilt" up against his buddies "tail-pipe" - threatens to leave "black streaks up his back".  (Works for Intersect - Crow: "Making lines meet for over 50 years!")   Everybody laughs in the closing sequence.


Radar Secret ServiceOh Yeah! - B&W - Japanese, dubbed! - exploding dragons, amazing science gadgets - diamonds, destruction, inscrutable flying cars, kung fu monkeys! - masters of disguise, evil space villains, and LOTS of Velveetaoh, if only, if only….  Actually, it’s an ass-kiss to "Radar", filmed in Red Zone Cuba mud-o-vision by white "science-is-god" males.  Mike: "Give…your…lives…to…Ray-dar!"


Red Zone Cuba – B&W - ugly calculating cruel men doing ugly calculating cruel things.  Skip this one - it’s sick.  On videotape as a rental.


Revenge Of The Creature – B&W - black lagoon creature is captured using dynamite - is chained to bottom of aquarium and repeatedly zapped with cattle-prod "for science" - escapes and drags off scientist’s girlfriend for experiments of his own - scientist is given control of police and army, kills creature "for science".  Agar, again.

Robot Monster


Robot RumpusSHORT - Gumby's robots mow the lawn then the house down - Mike on the odd figured Mrs. Gumby's reaction: "Well, that squares my breasts!" - Gumbo goes on robot-death rampage, nails robot-head to garage: Crow and Servo have nervous breakdown, weep.


Robot Vs. The Aztec Mummy – B&W - Mexican - no pro-wrestlers, sadly - evil scientist fills gap by dressing as a wrestler ("The Bat") for "cultural reasons" - rival dresses up too: thinks he's Euro-rich, white, also for "cultural reasons" - lots of haute talk, culture, follows, but ends in shame: "The Bats" robot forgets breeding, disgracefully pro-wrestles rival's zombie.  Truth will out.  Zombie was rival's wife's Aztec lover in a past life… cool huh?  (liturgical dance alert!)


Rocketship X-M – B&W - the original granola-cluster meteor-shower movie! - call it what you will: fiddle-faddle, oatmeal chunks, party mix, goobers, whatever, these guys get space-whacked by it - even the cavemen on Mars whack it to 'em too.  Lloyd "you-want-to-kick-his-butt-so-bad-it-makes-you-pee" Bridges patronizes woman scientist to the barf point - dies for his efforts.  I cheered.  Joel cheered.  The bots cheered.  Now its your turn.  (Psst! - do like I did: throw popcorn at the screen during the "meteor showers".  Then watch a good Mexican wrestler movie like Samson Vs. The Vampire Women.  I mean, this is your life, man.)


Samson Vs. The Vampire Women – B&W - Mexican - squat 1940’s Latino pro-wrestler baffles sexy vampires with silly mask, costume - gets physical: "macho" sport becomes gay-love ballet - vampire’s minions pro-wrestle too, run with capes held out - Crow: "Vroom!"  Way-cool vampire women drink to the Moon, get sexy - Servo (singing): "Rhiannonnn!".   TV’s Frank goes to 2nd Banana heaven.  Stinger (man, reverently): "God bless Samson"


San Francisco International – ah, 1970: the golden age of American made-for-TV cheese - all-orange airport has big ears, smug alerts, lots o’ "drama", "action", wigged women, token blacks - kills two hours of prime-time! - made-for-TV hippie gets made-for-TV mellow - Clu-less Gulager puffs his cheeks, thwarts crime - kid steals plane, can’t land - Mike: "can’t do it - too dumb!"  Meanwhile, Urkel rocks-out on the SOL - Pitch & Santa share a laugh with the Mads.


Santa Claus – Mexican - in which is revealed: Santa’s castle-on-a-cloud heaven-world, child- labor sweat-shop, battery of CIA surveillance gear, pentagram decorations, creepy mechanical reindeer, ENORMOUS BUTT, compulsive "organ" playing, and, "magic" powders.  Sane-by-comparison Satan sends mincing demon Pitch to tree him, succeeds.  Moral: blond kids cute and wise - ethnic kids so corrupt, servants of evil.  Santa’s white, naturally.  Mike and the bad boy ‘bots are SÄNTA CLAÜS - "Baltimore, are you ready to rock?  Stuff THIS in your stocking!"


Santa Claus Conquers The Martians – Martians snatch "Santy", succumb to his Ho! Ho! Ho’s!   Jesus Wept!   Santa Claus Conquers The Martians: this could have been a freaking masterpiece! - the title promises … so much.  I suggest you do like I did: cut the title out and rub it on your body while watching Prince Of Space.  Now, don’t that feel a lot better?


Screaming Skull – B&W - man tries to scare new wife insane to inherit her money - woman escapes to become painfully thin-faced wife in Space Children - half-wit splashes in frog pond, pots plants, records "Layla".  Released in Europe as The Screaming Audience.


Secret Agent Super DragonItalian - talking table strikes blow for evil - wields deadly gum, vase auctions, location shots - me-so-studly "Super Dragon" counters with profile shots/condescending you-want-me talk to 1960’s I-want-it women - evil’s agents regroup: make a "w" with dominos, name the planets - agent girl dies, gets her love squeezed out - scientist takes a science-bath, tells all - evil flees with the gum.  Joel & Co. get their chops down and jazz, baby.


Selling Wizard SHORT - overly eager1950's girl wants to please with her freezer. (!?!)


She Creature – B&W - reptile-woman from beginning of time is materialized by vindictive hypnotist to liven up emotionless (and proud of it) actors to no avail.


Shorts Vol. 1 – top 10 fave - B&W - ah, the ‘50’s: Grooming, Industrial Arts, Home Ec, Dinner Talk, Chickens of the Future, Repression, Incest - clips show you how to build the dysfunction right in.  Home Ec answers such questions as (per Servo): "What secret societies will she join?  Will she smoke thin black cigarettes and renounce the Triune God?"


Shorts Vol. 1


Shorts Vol. 2


Skydivers – B&W -


Slime People – B&W - Q: if lumbering extras in rubbery frog costumes (armed with pointed sticks and fog machines!) defeated the army, and took Los Angeles for their own, would you miss it or even mind? Well, my friend, you're not alone…heh, heh, heh.  Viva la Slime People!


Snow Thrills – B&W, SHORT - these Hi-ho Kokomo's looooove the snow - everyone waves madly - its so white and wholesome! - its all ha-ha-I-fall-down! ski-jumps and skating spills - and even a little "she-whoring" for spice.  Joel & the 'bots: "Whaa?"


Soultaker – those crazy kids! - are they dead or aren’t they? - Death Angel flees Werewolf, muffs this job too - Z’Dar tries on the new jaw, plans Future War - souls glow in Z’dark, bounce! - really weird mother/daughter voyeur scene (!) - hospital elevator goes to heaven, you go to hell - boy saves girl, rebuilds ‘57 Chevy.  Servo: "I call it Gastaker!"  Z’awful.


Space Children – B&W - blob from space tells cold-war children what to do: defy parents and destroy latest national security device - they do - drunken wife-beating Professor is killed by blob - ugly fat man wears white robe and ity bity shorts - blob returns to space. Assume that children are then killed by government and/or parents and/or audience.


Space Mutiny – God, Sting, and 60 year old Nina Hartly drive golf carts around warehouse (oops - space carts around space ship) - white people dance to casio wristwatch music! - dead woman shows up later in a scene - Crow: "Look alive everybody - oh, sorry, not you…"   20 year old living chin saves warehouse (sorry - spaceship), rolls around on top of Nina while viewers retch.  End sets up for a sequel.


Speech - Using Your VoiceSHORT -


Squirm – Fly Creek volt leak turns worms into INSANE KILLING MACHINES - over-the-top southern yokels crank accents to 10, don dumb looks - it's no use: brutal war of worm aggression ensues.  Featuring: brave and noble worm-ranchers, suspicious Northern egg-creams, and Ultra Dweeb: "dork hero".  Worm guy wants to quit ranch, get hands on over-the-top accent girl's "furniture".  Stinger: "Who's gonna be da worm-face now?"  Good question.


Summer Movie Blockbuster Spectacular II – Willis, Carey, Barrymore, Saving Private Idaho, Scully & Mumbles, etc, get the SOL treatment, and boy do they deserve it - guy stuffs animal crackers down Liv Tylers panties - Crow: "Well who hasn't?"  Servo (about X-Files): "There goes Bike Riding Man!"


Sword & The Dragon – me-so-big-heart-hero sits on butt, gestures proudly - Mongols take his wife, raise his son; more proud talk, gestures, follow.  Insta-grow horses, demon wind-bags, possibly a sword, eventually a dragon.  Russo-Finnish, but no Jack Frost.


Teenagers From Outer Space – B&W - space teens squeal tires at 1950’s earth, flaunt their Pat Boone shoes, ranch flying lobsters, and like, rule! - fanatic space teen mans science-gun, goes on a skeleton spree - "sensitive" space teen reads book, runs away - boss teen overacts, threatens space "torcha!" - blonds got the hots for fanatic - Mike: "Earth girls are easy!"  Space Teen Parté  Wrap-up: fried lobster, broken hearts, and one mutha space wipe-out.  Oh, to be a kid again!


Terror From The Year 5000 – B&W - oily man uses science to bring back radioactive woman from Y5K for death and romance - pale puffy man fights oily man, pure white woman looks on – kicky-scarfed groundskeeper, (Crow: "Jimmy Carter has disco fever!") reads literature, flicks house lights in Morse code: "send more porn!"  Pretty good flick.


Thing That Wouldn’t Die [but did!] – B&W - girl on dude ranch hunts for water with stick - finds evil…head instead! - greedy Aunt finds rest of evil body - evil head is reunited with evil body for all of 15 evil seconds until it glances at (evil?) crucifix and dies evilly.


This Island Earth – weird-browed alien’s planet is under attack, try to colonize earth - the Professor is blown up - do-gooder alien saves the day (for earth), unfortunately.


TimmyBigHands.com – attempts to answer the questions "is there life after MST-3K", "how much of a life is it", and, "how funny is syrup, really"?  Answers: A: not much, B: not much, and C: not at all.  Exactly the kind of lame B-budget effort they'd have lampooned on the show. LaughGuyz.com this isn't.  Read Mike Nelson's Movie Megacheese instead.


Time Chasers – peculiarly jawed Vermont man flies multiple versions of self and plane and others backwards and forwards through time - is killed by Revolutionary soldiers - not worth trying to figure out.  Crow: "What kind of a hero drives a ten-speed anyway?"


Tormented – B&W -


Touch Of Satan – 3rd fave - boy meets girl (possibly) and have lonnnng drawn out pauses in-between scaring neighbors, ranching walnuts, and being scared by old (possibly) woman.  Girl holds her arms out wide - Crow: "Our next pause will be this long!"  Great burn-the-witch scene.  Mike and the ‘bots go wild riffing on the opening credits - not to be missed.


Track Of The Moon Beast – meteor-whacked dumb-haired guy breaks out in bad pajama’s, lizard costumes - sleeps poorly, rips off heads - police say: "it’s okay!" - dates girl for one day: but hey, it’s love! - police stand guard while they boink - stew-proud Indian Prof, Johnny Longbow, (Servo: "Johnny Longbone!") is "worried", pokes Mr. Lizard with a stick - he explodes!  Well, wouldn’t you?  SOL: Fish-lips and the Eskimo sing "California Ladies" - Mike and the ‘bots go "Behind The Music".


Truck FarmerSHORT -


Twelve To The Moon – B&W - "international" "scientists" don fake accents, go to moon, have situations, discover stuff - Crow: "I call it ‘me-ite!’" - moon puts USA on ice, overtaxed ecosystems everywhere rejoice! - London calls (Servo: "I was there too!") - budget runs out before movie’s end, you’ll wish you could.  Way more sons of Nazi’s, rockets on a stick, goatee’d African astronomers, spaniels in space, "Sampo", foam-at-the-mouth Frenchmen, and "Good & The Beautiful" Phantom Planet space cadets than you’d expect.  Way more.  Weirdly progressive for the ‘50’s.


Uncle Jim’s Dairy FarmSHORT - cows, corn, milk - cows, corn, milk… COWS!, CORN!, MILK! - yep, welcome to the farm - Uncle Jim's "a nervous, dangerous man" - mother has "little helpers" - big brothers yanking the cow's teats again - little brother can't keep hands of the ho's - the girls are all over their kittensuh, why is this beginning to read like the Basketball Diaries?  … play it safe, man: cows, corn, milk - corn, cows, milk - cows, corn, milk…


Undead - B&W – man hypnotizes prostitute back into mediaeval times for no clear reason, follows her there for less reason - so, she’s to be beheaded as a witch… she escapes, but he talks her back into the beheading! - Devil shows up, puts on a dance and signs up some yokels - prostitute "dies" and returns with heart of gold - man is stuck hobnobbing with Devil.  Man to prostitute: "STAY!!!"   Mike's advise to audience: "RUN!!!"


Unearthly – B&W - yet another trusting young woman, psycho psychiatrist, cop disguised as a murderer, ice-queen lab assistant, cellar-full-of-mutant-experiment-failures formula-flick.  Scientist is obsessed, naturally, with the "17th gland" - Servo: "As if kids don’t have enough problems!"  The Stairs debut, hit pay-dirt later in Atomic Brain - Tor Johnson wanders lost without Ed Wood’s guidance, speaks: "Time…for…go…to…bed…time…" Exactly.


Village Of The Giants – OK, so Opie makes this "goo" in his cellar, and these baaaad1959 era teens (Bing Crosby sweaters and accountant haircuts) eat it, grow 50’ tall, wear togas, and dance, very very slowly.  Servo: "Now that’s up with people!"  Giant teen forces tiny yokel to ride her boobs, (Sheriff: "I don’t pretend to understand…")  Does anyone, ever, really?


War Of The Colossal Beast – B&W - big dumb guy from Amazing Colossal Man is back - so who cares? - certainly not Bert I. Gorden, and it’s his film - dumb guy chases trucks, eats bread, dies again.  White man screams at Mexican boy in coma: "Where’s my truck!?!"  Where, indeed?  (Includes the ohmygod short: "Mr. B Natural".  And no, he isn’t.)


Warrior Of The Lost World


Werewolf – slick Euros pretending to act American beat up Indians and randomly create and kill a whole passel of werewolves (pronounced "wahrwolff") - chase scene: woman runs, werewolf crawls after her, catches her - (Shakes head and howls: "Ah-woooooooooo!" - Crow: "I am the MAN!  Yeah!")   Not as good as it sounds


What About Juvenile Delinquency?  (Yeah?  What about it!) – B&W, SHORT - these bad-boys respect their teachers, expect floods, hop all over pop for pencils: "swarm all over him" - suddenly-bourgeois boy gives his patch back - snitchy and his squares race JD's to town meeting - who'll tattle first? - film asks you the audience: What would you do?   Crow: "Reincarnate in a decade with better hair?"


What To Do On A DateSHORT -


Why Study Industrial Arts? – B&W, SHORT - nasally High School geek tells ya why he likes "touching the wood" - Mike: "I enjoy the feel of wood-chips in my underpants!" - Coach Tough Guy straight talks woodworking in locker room confidential: "…and besides, when yer wife don't understand ya no more, and yer kids hate you, why, you'll have somethin' to do in da evenings!"  Amen.


Wild World Of Batwoman – top 10 fave - B&W - well sure, if your idea of wild is a self-serious Robert's-rules obsessed frumpy accountant in a dominatrix costume and cat glasses!!!  Sad, really.  Monkees-style chase scenes, happy dance pills, batgirls in bondage (!), milk and macaroons, scientists dressed as Mexican pro-wrestlers, old clips from Mole People, Aztec Mummy…  She fights crime, you'll fight confusion.  Servo: "Accept the pain, man!"


Zombie Nightmare INSANE Poodle throws spaghetti, kills Thor with car - Thor goes not to Valhalla, but to Voodoo Lady instead, wields bat against Batman (really!) - bad 80's music, buffalo shots ensue - (BTW: the Penguins a coroner now) - Thor stumbers around like Tor, sings like him too! - Voodoo Lady drags Batman to Hell - not a cartoon.  Poodle: "What are you looking at?  Eat your ice-cream!"   An evil movie.


Gilligan's Island Sightings:

The Skipper: 2 sightings - Angels Revenge & Giant Spider Invasion


The Professor: 2 sightings - Space Children & This Island Earth


The Millionaire: 1 sighting - Angels Revenge



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